20 Sep 2012
Some days it is so hard to be a caregiver. You question yourself; am I'm doing enough? Am I good enough? Should I have done that differently? Can I really do this? Ahhh, some days are just damn hard and that's all there is to it. Chris had another spell this morning where his eyes rolled back in his head and he almost fell. I think he is having some seizures. The doctor thinks he might be also. October 1st I guess we will find out. They will run more tests and see. Later, we went to WalMart because i had to get 2 medication refills for Chris, 2 for Jim, and 1 for Mom. Chris was so out of it and it was very difficult. He had to sit alot and was confused. I suppose the time is coming where I can't take Chris on errands with me anymore. This means that I will have to find someone that can sit with him. I'm so untrusting of people and this is going to be a hard one. They definitely have to at least be a CNA. I'd love to find a nurse or recently retired nurse that would be willing to sit with him. They have to be certified in first aid and know the heimlich manuveur. In the meantime, Jim can be with Chris and I will have to shop on the weekends. It will all work out. It has to doesn't it? Some days it is so hard to be a caregiver..............
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
18 Sep 2012
The last few days have been fair. I am down in my back and that has made things much more difficult. I have to sit down while I dress Chris and even then it is hard. Chris is doing fair. I don't know if I mentioned this last post but the other morning when I woke him up he told me he had so much to do. I asked him what did he need to do and he said he needed to go to church. For those of you that don't know Chris that well, he is a very faithful person and loves church but hasn't been for awhile due to his health. It kind of got me because the way he said it was almost like he was, as they say, "getting his house in order". Some days I feel that he won't be around much longer. Other days it is better and I have hope for him having more quality time here on earth. After he ate breakfast (he eats breakfast in his room so he can sit and watch Andy Griffith), I looked in at him and he was sitting on the side of bed and jerking his legs around, his body was shaking and he had his eyes closed. I thought that perhaps he was having another seizure. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to get out of a trap. I told him to just lift his legs up and he said he was trying but they wouldn't move. I could tell he was really trying and he couldn't lift them. Freaky because it was all mind over matter. He really thought he couldn't lift his legs because they were trapped. Anyway, got his legs moved and he is sitting in bed watching cartoons. Each day is more and more foggy. I want my brother back. I want my sweet giggliing funny boy that always has a smile on his face and a joke to tell. The season is changing and soon it will be dark dreary cold days and I don't think I can face those days. At least with the sunshine, there is a feeling of warmth and brightness and hope. I know I need to be strong but some days I feel so very weak. I have to work once again to find that joy. It's there. There is alot of joy in life. There still is alot of joy in Chris. He is now watching Scooby Doo and he loves it so. He puts on his scooby doo hat, and I got him a scooby doo bandana so he likes to wear that around his neck. Now that is funny and joyful in such a good way. I had Chris pick out some halloween stuff and we put up some lights around the house today. I need to put the skeleton up in his room that he picked out. I think I'll get some more lights and put them in his window. I haven't been sharing different things to make things easier to care for him or medications and food. You know, helpful hints. I mean to do that but I get caught up in the sadness. One thing I have figured out it and it is working well now-Chris was waking up every morning with his bed wet. I have a plastic cover on the matress and pads on top of that. The fitted sheet is next with pads on it to catch what leaks out. He wears 2 long pads and 2 pull up pads at night. Still, he is wet and so is the bed. Well, I found that if I tape the bed pads down so they don't move around, the bedding is saved and I don't have to wash his bedding every single day. All I have to do is remove those used bed pads and put new ones down. It has helped alot and has made it so much easier on me and my washer lol. Plus, Chris feels better about it too because he felt bad when he would wet the bed. I tell not to worry about it; no big deal but he still feels bad. My sweet little baby bro.
The last few days have been fair. I am down in my back and that has made things much more difficult. I have to sit down while I dress Chris and even then it is hard. Chris is doing fair. I don't know if I mentioned this last post but the other morning when I woke him up he told me he had so much to do. I asked him what did he need to do and he said he needed to go to church. For those of you that don't know Chris that well, he is a very faithful person and loves church but hasn't been for awhile due to his health. It kind of got me because the way he said it was almost like he was, as they say, "getting his house in order". Some days I feel that he won't be around much longer. Other days it is better and I have hope for him having more quality time here on earth. After he ate breakfast (he eats breakfast in his room so he can sit and watch Andy Griffith), I looked in at him and he was sitting on the side of bed and jerking his legs around, his body was shaking and he had his eyes closed. I thought that perhaps he was having another seizure. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to get out of a trap. I told him to just lift his legs up and he said he was trying but they wouldn't move. I could tell he was really trying and he couldn't lift them. Freaky because it was all mind over matter. He really thought he couldn't lift his legs because they were trapped. Anyway, got his legs moved and he is sitting in bed watching cartoons. Each day is more and more foggy. I want my brother back. I want my sweet giggliing funny boy that always has a smile on his face and a joke to tell. The season is changing and soon it will be dark dreary cold days and I don't think I can face those days. At least with the sunshine, there is a feeling of warmth and brightness and hope. I know I need to be strong but some days I feel so very weak. I have to work once again to find that joy. It's there. There is alot of joy in life. There still is alot of joy in Chris. He is now watching Scooby Doo and he loves it so. He puts on his scooby doo hat, and I got him a scooby doo bandana so he likes to wear that around his neck. Now that is funny and joyful in such a good way. I had Chris pick out some halloween stuff and we put up some lights around the house today. I need to put the skeleton up in his room that he picked out. I think I'll get some more lights and put them in his window. I haven't been sharing different things to make things easier to care for him or medications and food. You know, helpful hints. I mean to do that but I get caught up in the sadness. One thing I have figured out it and it is working well now-Chris was waking up every morning with his bed wet. I have a plastic cover on the matress and pads on top of that. The fitted sheet is next with pads on it to catch what leaks out. He wears 2 long pads and 2 pull up pads at night. Still, he is wet and so is the bed. Well, I found that if I tape the bed pads down so they don't move around, the bedding is saved and I don't have to wash his bedding every single day. All I have to do is remove those used bed pads and put new ones down. It has helped alot and has made it so much easier on me and my washer lol. Plus, Chris feels better about it too because he felt bad when he would wet the bed. I tell not to worry about it; no big deal but he still feels bad. My sweet little baby bro.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
12 Sep 2012
Today has been a terrible day. It started out bad with Chris in fog and so slow this morning and being confused. We had to get up early because Chris had a doctors appt. We got to the doctor and Chris was in a daze. He couldn't hear anything and was just basically lost. the doctor prescribed him some eye drops for his watery red swollen eyes and he checked Chris' circulation in his left leg that hurts him alot. I cried in front of our doctor and I tell you he is the kindest most compassionate man. He's from India and is so gentle and caring and so kind to Chris and Mom. Jim and I really like him too. He is really smart and thorough. A country doctor in a little town in Tennessee from India lol. Chris and I then went and got Mom and went to Lexington and got Chris' medicine and got neccessities and groceries. As usual, it was very trying with my Mom and totally wore me out. After dropping Mom off, Chris and I were heading home and all of a sudden he came out of his funk and was talking and laughing and was the Chris I've always known. My Chris was back. All evening he has been happy and laughing and cheerful. I just tucked him in and he is now sleeping. A very stressful day and I have cried off and on all day. Today it really hit me just how much Chris has changed. Everything; his laughter, his excitement over things-just everything. I talked about it at length with my husband tonight and we talked about how it will reach a time when I might not be able to care for Chris. If he needs medical care that I can't do or something. I know that there will possibly be a time when this happens but I told Jim that I can only take it day by day. As of now, I can handle everything. I will do it as long as I physically can. He will stay with us and when the time comes, I will get a nurse to come in and help. I told Mom it doesn't work for me to take her and Chris shopping. It's too hard. They both are on walkers and I can't keep up with both and Chris is getting to the point that physically he can't do it. I'm going to have to get someone to help Mom. She is not happy about it I'm sure but I told her I can't do it all. I can only do so much and Chris' needs are pressing at this time and Mom is doing pretty good considering so I might have to have someone do her grocery shopping or going to check on her. Who knows; I guess I will find out soon enough. Time for bed; I'm exhausted.
Today has been a terrible day. It started out bad with Chris in fog and so slow this morning and being confused. We had to get up early because Chris had a doctors appt. We got to the doctor and Chris was in a daze. He couldn't hear anything and was just basically lost. the doctor prescribed him some eye drops for his watery red swollen eyes and he checked Chris' circulation in his left leg that hurts him alot. I cried in front of our doctor and I tell you he is the kindest most compassionate man. He's from India and is so gentle and caring and so kind to Chris and Mom. Jim and I really like him too. He is really smart and thorough. A country doctor in a little town in Tennessee from India lol. Chris and I then went and got Mom and went to Lexington and got Chris' medicine and got neccessities and groceries. As usual, it was very trying with my Mom and totally wore me out. After dropping Mom off, Chris and I were heading home and all of a sudden he came out of his funk and was talking and laughing and was the Chris I've always known. My Chris was back. All evening he has been happy and laughing and cheerful. I just tucked him in and he is now sleeping. A very stressful day and I have cried off and on all day. Today it really hit me just how much Chris has changed. Everything; his laughter, his excitement over things-just everything. I talked about it at length with my husband tonight and we talked about how it will reach a time when I might not be able to care for Chris. If he needs medical care that I can't do or something. I know that there will possibly be a time when this happens but I told Jim that I can only take it day by day. As of now, I can handle everything. I will do it as long as I physically can. He will stay with us and when the time comes, I will get a nurse to come in and help. I told Mom it doesn't work for me to take her and Chris shopping. It's too hard. They both are on walkers and I can't keep up with both and Chris is getting to the point that physically he can't do it. I'm going to have to get someone to help Mom. She is not happy about it I'm sure but I told her I can't do it all. I can only do so much and Chris' needs are pressing at this time and Mom is doing pretty good considering so I might have to have someone do her grocery shopping or going to check on her. Who knows; I guess I will find out soon enough. Time for bed; I'm exhausted.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
5 Sep 2012
We had a real nice day yesterday at Moms to celebrate her 88th birthday. I made her a lemon cake with lemon frosting and we went and got KFC because she loves it so much. It was good and the cake turned out good. She was happy and I think liked what we got her and enjoyed her day. Jim and I dropped Chris off at her house with the ice cream and cake and we went to get the KFC in the next town. We were gone for about 45 minutes and when we got back Mom said that as soon as we left, Chris told her he had to go to the bathroom and she made him wait. She didn't help him. Needless to say, Chris had wet his pads and shorts. I asked her why she didn't help him and she said "Well, I guess he didn't need to go that bad. I thought you could help him when you got back." Well he did have to go very badly. Come to find out all he needed was help getting his belt undone. I was livid. It made me so damn mad. I didn't say anything but in my mind I was screaming "THIS IS WHY CHRIS CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU. YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!!!!!" I really wanted to say something but I thought it's better not to. After all, it's her birthday and that was my gift to her; not getting mad at her and saying something. I have to say though that it took every bit of strength that I had to keep from saying something. If it had been something about me it wouldn't have mattered but it being about Chris upset me. It was just for 45 minutes and she couldn't even help for less than an hour. Now before anyone says anything about well my God she's 88 years old, let me say, yeah she is BUT she has always been this way. Her actions now aren't any different than when we were little kids. So sad. Enough of that. Chris is declining quickly and he doesn't laugh much anymore. That really hurts because Chris has always had a real sharp sense of humor. He has always been a giggily funny guy. Always laughing about something and always making everyone laugh. Somewhere inside him is the Chris I know. How I would give anything for him to come out. I miss him. I know he's there. I also know that sometimes I reach him. I see it in his eyes. My precious precious brother Chris.
We had a real nice day yesterday at Moms to celebrate her 88th birthday. I made her a lemon cake with lemon frosting and we went and got KFC because she loves it so much. It was good and the cake turned out good. She was happy and I think liked what we got her and enjoyed her day. Jim and I dropped Chris off at her house with the ice cream and cake and we went to get the KFC in the next town. We were gone for about 45 minutes and when we got back Mom said that as soon as we left, Chris told her he had to go to the bathroom and she made him wait. She didn't help him. Needless to say, Chris had wet his pads and shorts. I asked her why she didn't help him and she said "Well, I guess he didn't need to go that bad. I thought you could help him when you got back." Well he did have to go very badly. Come to find out all he needed was help getting his belt undone. I was livid. It made me so damn mad. I didn't say anything but in my mind I was screaming "THIS IS WHY CHRIS CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU. YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!!!!!" I really wanted to say something but I thought it's better not to. After all, it's her birthday and that was my gift to her; not getting mad at her and saying something. I have to say though that it took every bit of strength that I had to keep from saying something. If it had been something about me it wouldn't have mattered but it being about Chris upset me. It was just for 45 minutes and she couldn't even help for less than an hour. Now before anyone says anything about well my God she's 88 years old, let me say, yeah she is BUT she has always been this way. Her actions now aren't any different than when we were little kids. So sad. Enough of that. Chris is declining quickly and he doesn't laugh much anymore. That really hurts because Chris has always had a real sharp sense of humor. He has always been a giggily funny guy. Always laughing about something and always making everyone laugh. Somewhere inside him is the Chris I know. How I would give anything for him to come out. I miss him. I know he's there. I also know that sometimes I reach him. I see it in his eyes. My precious precious brother Chris.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
29 Aug 2012
Things have gone pretty good today. Sunday night Jims son came to visit and stayed the night and all day Monday. We had a great visit with him and really enjoyed him being here. Wish he could have stayed longer. I think Jim overdid it these last few days. Today he has relaxed and watched TV and played his guitar and I think has done better because of that. Chris has had a frustrating day today. Maybe I should rephrase that and say I have had a frustrating day with Chris. It was just out of it today and seemed so distant. It makes me sad when he is like this because I know that somewhere inside him is the Chris I have always known. I know he is in there. I told Jim the worst part of this is that I am watching Chris slowly losing everything. The brother I have grown up is leaving me and that breaks my heart. Each day I see him slipping further and further away. It's so damn unfair that he has to go through this. The most precious gift we all have is our memories; our memory of our family and friends-the people we love, memories of the fun times and experiences. When you lose these; what's left? You're lost. Tomorrow I'm going to Mom's to take her to the store. Jim and Chris are going to stay home. I hope they do okay. I think it will be fine. Chris said he was excited to have a guy day with Jim. At least I won't be too far away and it will definitely be so much easier to just take Mom and her walker instead of her and Chris with their "walker wars". Life is so precious and fleeting. Enjoy it now. Live in the moment. Plan for the future but enjoy the now.
Things have gone pretty good today. Sunday night Jims son came to visit and stayed the night and all day Monday. We had a great visit with him and really enjoyed him being here. Wish he could have stayed longer. I think Jim overdid it these last few days. Today he has relaxed and watched TV and played his guitar and I think has done better because of that. Chris has had a frustrating day today. Maybe I should rephrase that and say I have had a frustrating day with Chris. It was just out of it today and seemed so distant. It makes me sad when he is like this because I know that somewhere inside him is the Chris I have always known. I know he is in there. I told Jim the worst part of this is that I am watching Chris slowly losing everything. The brother I have grown up is leaving me and that breaks my heart. Each day I see him slipping further and further away. It's so damn unfair that he has to go through this. The most precious gift we all have is our memories; our memory of our family and friends-the people we love, memories of the fun times and experiences. When you lose these; what's left? You're lost. Tomorrow I'm going to Mom's to take her to the store. Jim and Chris are going to stay home. I hope they do okay. I think it will be fine. Chris said he was excited to have a guy day with Jim. At least I won't be too far away and it will definitely be so much easier to just take Mom and her walker instead of her and Chris with their "walker wars". Life is so precious and fleeting. Enjoy it now. Live in the moment. Plan for the future but enjoy the now.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
26 Aug 2012
Friday we had to take Jim back to the doctor again because he had gotten so much worse with his dizziness and he was having double vision also. The doctor said he needed to get to a neurologist so he got ahold of one that would see Jim and off we went. An hours drive later we are there and it was confirmed that Jim did have a massive stroke at the base of his brain stem. When the neurologist said where the stroke happened, I was sick. My Dad died from a stroke at the base of his brain stem. It had shut down his whole body. Thank you dear Lord that Jim's wasn't as bad. He is still weak and dizzy and is having alittle trouble with his speech but he is actually doing pretty good. He is home resting and I am now taking care of 3 people. Don't get me wrong; I am not complaining but I wonder just how much I can take and handle. God surely must think I am a pretty strong person and He has alot of faith in me; certainly more faith in me than I do. Chris is doing pretty good today. He had several bad days but today has been good. He keeps checking on Jim and is very concerned about Jim. They are buddies and Chris loves him so much. Today was alot of running from Chris' room to our bedroom attending to both of their needs but I did it and it worked out okay. I am really worried about Jim and his health. His stroke in 2010 scared the you-know-what out of me and for him to have had another one is frustrating and cause for concern. We have really got to watch the diet better. His blood pressure has been alittle high lately and his cholesteral is high. I think I am really being tested and pushed to the max right now but I can do this. Lol, I don't have a choice. When you love someone you do whatever you have to do to care for them. I love Jim so much and I love Chris so much and I can't imagine life without my two important men. My husband and brother mean the world to me. I thank God every day for them and their love. I'm a lucky girl!
Friday we had to take Jim back to the doctor again because he had gotten so much worse with his dizziness and he was having double vision also. The doctor said he needed to get to a neurologist so he got ahold of one that would see Jim and off we went. An hours drive later we are there and it was confirmed that Jim did have a massive stroke at the base of his brain stem. When the neurologist said where the stroke happened, I was sick. My Dad died from a stroke at the base of his brain stem. It had shut down his whole body. Thank you dear Lord that Jim's wasn't as bad. He is still weak and dizzy and is having alittle trouble with his speech but he is actually doing pretty good. He is home resting and I am now taking care of 3 people. Don't get me wrong; I am not complaining but I wonder just how much I can take and handle. God surely must think I am a pretty strong person and He has alot of faith in me; certainly more faith in me than I do. Chris is doing pretty good today. He had several bad days but today has been good. He keeps checking on Jim and is very concerned about Jim. They are buddies and Chris loves him so much. Today was alot of running from Chris' room to our bedroom attending to both of their needs but I did it and it worked out okay. I am really worried about Jim and his health. His stroke in 2010 scared the you-know-what out of me and for him to have had another one is frustrating and cause for concern. We have really got to watch the diet better. His blood pressure has been alittle high lately and his cholesteral is high. I think I am really being tested and pushed to the max right now but I can do this. Lol, I don't have a choice. When you love someone you do whatever you have to do to care for them. I love Jim so much and I love Chris so much and I can't imagine life without my two important men. My husband and brother mean the world to me. I thank God every day for them and their love. I'm a lucky girl!
Monday, August 20, 2012
20 Aug 2012
Well, alot has gone on since last entry. Jim got extremely dizzy and we had to rush to the doctor. We thought that perhaps he had a stroke (he had one in 2010). I took him to the hospital and he had a ct-scan and the results showed no stroke or blockage; thank you God! However, the dizziness is severe and continues. He is taking medications for this and this morning he said he was starting to feel alittle better. Still dizzy but not as bad as it was. You talk about worried. I was so worried but didn't want him to know just how bad I was worried. My thoughts were racing about what would happen and if something happened to him how I would survive. How could I go on? Jim is my everything. I love him so much and it scares me when he gets sick. I can't lose him. This past weekend was taking care of Jim and taking care of Chris and talking to Mom on the phone to see how she was doing. I'm getting very use to taking care of Chris now and we do have a pretty good routine going on that works but then when Jim gets sick, I realise how overwhelmed I am and how alone I feel. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining about caring for them-I love them and without question I would do whatever I had to do to care for the people that I love BUT when they are all in need it's hard. I realise that being a caregiver, especially caring for someone with alzhiemers is very isolating. It's a 24/7 job and it keeps you at home alot and not able to do the things that you use to do. I went to WalMart to get Jims medicine saturday and left him and Chris at home. It was very strange to be at WalMart by myself because it has been ages since I shopped by myself. Did I enjoy it? Yes. I'm not ashamed to say that I really enjoyed being able to shop by myself even though it was just WalMart and a hurried trip so I could get back home. Things are going good today with Jim and Chris and Mom. Just the way I like it. :)
Well, alot has gone on since last entry. Jim got extremely dizzy and we had to rush to the doctor. We thought that perhaps he had a stroke (he had one in 2010). I took him to the hospital and he had a ct-scan and the results showed no stroke or blockage; thank you God! However, the dizziness is severe and continues. He is taking medications for this and this morning he said he was starting to feel alittle better. Still dizzy but not as bad as it was. You talk about worried. I was so worried but didn't want him to know just how bad I was worried. My thoughts were racing about what would happen and if something happened to him how I would survive. How could I go on? Jim is my everything. I love him so much and it scares me when he gets sick. I can't lose him. This past weekend was taking care of Jim and taking care of Chris and talking to Mom on the phone to see how she was doing. I'm getting very use to taking care of Chris now and we do have a pretty good routine going on that works but then when Jim gets sick, I realise how overwhelmed I am and how alone I feel. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining about caring for them-I love them and without question I would do whatever I had to do to care for the people that I love BUT when they are all in need it's hard. I realise that being a caregiver, especially caring for someone with alzhiemers is very isolating. It's a 24/7 job and it keeps you at home alot and not able to do the things that you use to do. I went to WalMart to get Jims medicine saturday and left him and Chris at home. It was very strange to be at WalMart by myself because it has been ages since I shopped by myself. Did I enjoy it? Yes. I'm not ashamed to say that I really enjoyed being able to shop by myself even though it was just WalMart and a hurried trip so I could get back home. Things are going good today with Jim and Chris and Mom. Just the way I like it. :)
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