26 Feb 2013
So I got the results back from Chris' xrays and he has arthritis in his back. Right now, the doctor recommended Chris take aleve for the back pain because ibuprofen helps with inflammation and Chris has pain pills if it hurts real bad. Nothing can be done for it. Chris seems to be comfortable for now and that's good. We are going for my weekly allergy shot tomorrow and then will go see Mom. She has been nice to me ever since she told me the other night that she apreciated me. Now, I'm not expecting her to always be this way. (Too much history between us) but after she also said that she neglected me and my older brother, which was very true, and I told her that she did the best she could do; I made the decision to forgive and move forward with Mom. Not go backwards into the past. It was as close as I will ever get to an apology from her and I'm okay with that. How I react from here on is all up to me. I have made the decision to move forward.....EVEN if she goes back, I won't! She did do the best that she could do. Was it good? No. Was it enough? No. Was she capable of giving more? Probably not. She just wasn't meant to be a mother. Some people aren't. Anyway, I am really working on me to be the best that I can be. Jim and I are doing great. Chris is happy and his appetite has been very good! He forgets and I deal with it and we move on. He has been able to feed himself the last couple of days. Chris is so sweet. I know I say that alot but it's true. His soul is so pure and he's gentle and kind and loving. He might have alzheimers and is having health issues but his light shines brighter than anyone else I've ever known and I have been blessed to know alot of truly good people. Lots of appointments coming up with lawyers and doctors and the nursing home. Praying everything goes well with all.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
25 Feb 2013
So I was reading back in this blog and I started out with it all about Chris and his alzheimers and his care and medications and info I had found and now it's about me me me and what I'm dealing with. I didn't really intend this blog to be about that but I have to look at it as a natural transition since being a caregiver for someone involves everyone and does have to do with Chris and this damn disease. It's hard and I am doing what I can and Chris is doing what he can. Most days are still good. He has his foggy days and days when he physically hurts. He is losing more and more skills. The other day I had to spoon feed him his entire meal. He didn't have the strength to lift a spoon or fork. However, there are days he does just fine. The curse of this disease. One day he doesn't know who anyone is, the next day he knows everyone and is joking and being his old self. Some days he can feed himself and walk fairly well, the next day he can't. Every morning is an adventure (not in a good way). There is one thing that is always consistent; Chris is ALWAYS sweet and loving and caring. He worries about me all the time. He always says "I love you". He gives me kisses and hugs. I am dealing with Chris and Mom's health problems and have not been watching myself enough. I have let myself go to take care of them and I know that's not good because if I don't take care of myself, who will take care of them if I can't? I have not paid enough attention to my husband as well and our marriage. I am so wrapped up in this mother f$^#?ing disease and trying to deal with it and everything connected to it that I'm not living right and taking care of other things just as important. I had an argument with my husband and we never argue. We talked ALOT and he feels that his feelings don't matter to me. He feels that he isn't as important to me as everything else. He feels that I don't have time for him. He's right. I have been neglecting him and our relationship dealing with everything else that is going on with Mom and Chris. It's not right and not fair to him. He is so good and so loving and has been so quiet about everything. My husband is a very good man and I am so blessed to have him. He loves Chris so much and does so much for him. He treats my Mom so good and he is so good and loving to me. I feel that I have become a different person. I'm angry and frustrated and hurting and sad and weepy and tired and overwhelmed and did I mention angry; so damn angry. I didn't realise until my husband and I were really talking things out. I'm so angry at this disease. I'm angry that I have so much dumped on me and so much responsibility. I'm angry that I don't have the same carefree life that I did have with my husband. I'm angry that I don't have that freedom any longer for me and my husband to do what we want or just go take a trip whenever we want. I'm extremely angry that my older brother doesn't do anything to help. That's why I moved Mom here. He lived 10 minutes away from her and would call me and tell me that I needed to come up there and take care of her and Chris because he didn't have time. (I lived 8 hrs away). I'm angry that he doesn't care at all, doesn't give a shit about his own brother and mother. He didn't call or even send a birthday card to Chris in May. He hasn't come down here once since Mom moved here (which will be 2 yrs in May) to see her or Chris. He knows their medical problems and he knows that Chris might not be around much longer or Mom either and he's missing his chances to see them one more time. He says he can't afford to come. But he has money to buy a new kayak and do plenty of other things. Besides, all he would have to pay for is gas. He can stay at Moms house or stay with us in our guest house. I'm angry that he hasn't called or answered my emails to see how Mom is since she moved to the nursing home. He has her phone number at the nursing home and he has her cell phone number as well. This disease has isolated me. I feel so alone. I am a 24/7 caregiver and bill payer for Jim and I, Chris and Mom, an appointment maker, a housecleaner for 2 houses, a laundry lady for 4 people, etc.... I never have a day off and I'm not doing a very good job on housecleaning, keeping up with laundry (Chris goes through 3 sets of clothes a day). I feel like I'm really whining here and I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about not being better at everything. I feel guilty that I can't go see Mom everyday. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with Chris. I feel guilty that I'm not more attentive to my husband. So much anger, so much sadness, so much guilt. I want to be the best for everyone and I'm not. Not by a long shot. I am worried about Mom because she still can not walk. I don't know if she will ever be able to walk again. She has therapy everyday at the nursing home so I pray that it helps. I have to state that there are happy sweet moments. Chris is always precious Chris. My Mom told me the other day that she appreciated me and what I'm doing (and that's a first!) and after talking to my husband about everything we are fine and are even stronger now as a couple. We both understand better now how each is feeling and we love each other very much. I'm just trying to make myself better so I can be better for the one's I love.
So I was reading back in this blog and I started out with it all about Chris and his alzheimers and his care and medications and info I had found and now it's about me me me and what I'm dealing with. I didn't really intend this blog to be about that but I have to look at it as a natural transition since being a caregiver for someone involves everyone and does have to do with Chris and this damn disease. It's hard and I am doing what I can and Chris is doing what he can. Most days are still good. He has his foggy days and days when he physically hurts. He is losing more and more skills. The other day I had to spoon feed him his entire meal. He didn't have the strength to lift a spoon or fork. However, there are days he does just fine. The curse of this disease. One day he doesn't know who anyone is, the next day he knows everyone and is joking and being his old self. Some days he can feed himself and walk fairly well, the next day he can't. Every morning is an adventure (not in a good way). There is one thing that is always consistent; Chris is ALWAYS sweet and loving and caring. He worries about me all the time. He always says "I love you". He gives me kisses and hugs. I am dealing with Chris and Mom's health problems and have not been watching myself enough. I have let myself go to take care of them and I know that's not good because if I don't take care of myself, who will take care of them if I can't? I have not paid enough attention to my husband as well and our marriage. I am so wrapped up in this mother f$^#?ing disease and trying to deal with it and everything connected to it that I'm not living right and taking care of other things just as important. I had an argument with my husband and we never argue. We talked ALOT and he feels that his feelings don't matter to me. He feels that he isn't as important to me as everything else. He feels that I don't have time for him. He's right. I have been neglecting him and our relationship dealing with everything else that is going on with Mom and Chris. It's not right and not fair to him. He is so good and so loving and has been so quiet about everything. My husband is a very good man and I am so blessed to have him. He loves Chris so much and does so much for him. He treats my Mom so good and he is so good and loving to me. I feel that I have become a different person. I'm angry and frustrated and hurting and sad and weepy and tired and overwhelmed and did I mention angry; so damn angry. I didn't realise until my husband and I were really talking things out. I'm so angry at this disease. I'm angry that I have so much dumped on me and so much responsibility. I'm angry that I don't have the same carefree life that I did have with my husband. I'm angry that I don't have that freedom any longer for me and my husband to do what we want or just go take a trip whenever we want. I'm extremely angry that my older brother doesn't do anything to help. That's why I moved Mom here. He lived 10 minutes away from her and would call me and tell me that I needed to come up there and take care of her and Chris because he didn't have time. (I lived 8 hrs away). I'm angry that he doesn't care at all, doesn't give a shit about his own brother and mother. He didn't call or even send a birthday card to Chris in May. He hasn't come down here once since Mom moved here (which will be 2 yrs in May) to see her or Chris. He knows their medical problems and he knows that Chris might not be around much longer or Mom either and he's missing his chances to see them one more time. He says he can't afford to come. But he has money to buy a new kayak and do plenty of other things. Besides, all he would have to pay for is gas. He can stay at Moms house or stay with us in our guest house. I'm angry that he hasn't called or answered my emails to see how Mom is since she moved to the nursing home. He has her phone number at the nursing home and he has her cell phone number as well. This disease has isolated me. I feel so alone. I am a 24/7 caregiver and bill payer for Jim and I, Chris and Mom, an appointment maker, a housecleaner for 2 houses, a laundry lady for 4 people, etc.... I never have a day off and I'm not doing a very good job on housecleaning, keeping up with laundry (Chris goes through 3 sets of clothes a day). I feel like I'm really whining here and I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about not being better at everything. I feel guilty that I can't go see Mom everyday. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with Chris. I feel guilty that I'm not more attentive to my husband. So much anger, so much sadness, so much guilt. I want to be the best for everyone and I'm not. Not by a long shot. I am worried about Mom because she still can not walk. I don't know if she will ever be able to walk again. She has therapy everyday at the nursing home so I pray that it helps. I have to state that there are happy sweet moments. Chris is always precious Chris. My Mom told me the other day that she appreciated me and what I'm doing (and that's a first!) and after talking to my husband about everything we are fine and are even stronger now as a couple. We both understand better now how each is feeling and we love each other very much. I'm just trying to make myself better so I can be better for the one's I love.
Monday, February 18, 2013
18 Feb 2013
So much has gone on. Last wed, the 13th, Chris and I were going to Moms and taking lunch and eat with her, getting the guardianship paper from her and then going to the appt. with the lawyer regarding getting guardianship of Chris. I called Mom before we left the house to see what she was wanting for lunch; no answer on her cell phone. Tried it several times so I then called her house phone; no answer. After numerous calls (by then we were on the road, on our way to her house) I called Jim and said something is up. I got to Moms house, let myself in and there was Mom lying in the hallway. She said she thought she broke her hip. She fell in the kitchen and crawled to the hallway. We got there about 1:30pm. She had fallen about 10am. Called 911, ambulance took her to Jackson and they did surgery that night. She did well through surgery and is now at a nursing home in Parsons. They think that she will be up walking and be able to go home in maybe 4 to 6 weeks. I don't think so. She is lying in bed and can't stand on her leg, much less walk. Besides this going on, Chris is having more and more difficulty walking and we went to Walmart saturday and when we got back out to the car, We followed our routine like we always do. He leaves his walker by the car, walks around and gets in the car. He left his walker, started to walk around the car and either tripped or lost his footing and fell. His face hit the brush bar on the front of the Jeep and then he fell on his back. I dropped everything and ran to him and fell kindof on him. His nose was bleeding so bad. He was crying. I got him to sit up and out of nowhere a man comes up and says "Can I help you get him up?" I said yes and I was thinking, my back is not going to be able to do this and out of nowhere another man comes up and says "Wait. Let me help get him up." Thank God for the angels. They got him up while I held kleenex to his nose and they got him around to the door and got him in the jeep. I had left my purse and our cart of stuff just sitting out in the lane and thank you God once again, no one messed with it or took off with my purse because I sure wouldn't have noticed. I took Chris to the ER to be checked over and they took xrays of his nose. It was not broken. They looked him all over; scratched up knee but other than that he was ok. His back is hurting some now so I'll call the doctor tomorrow. I think maybe he should have xrays of his back. He has fallen on his back 3 times now and it does seem to be bothering him. It is so hard for him to describe pain or tell someone where he is hurting. If you ask Chris he always says he hurts all over. It has been a very bad few days and before Mom fell she had gotten mad at me and had called me a spoilt brat, not a nice person and a bitch. I am just so worn out and emotionally exhausted. It's getting harder and harder to deal with everything. Add to that complete burn out and I know that I need to get someone to help with things and help with Mom and Chris too at times. Today, Chris was in a terrible fog. He ket falling asleep off and on today and while we were at the restaurant eating he started crying and said he was hurting. I told Mom about Chris falling and his nose bleeding and all she could say was she knew what that was like to fall. She didn't ask how he was or seemed concerned at all. I don't really know why I expected her to be. My sweet precious Chris is slipping away and I feel like I can't give him the attention he deserves and needs. I'm just going to have to have someone deal with Mom so I can devote my time to Chris. Not to mention that I also need to devote time to my marriage. Someone that has not been a caregiver could not understand how it effects every corner of your life. How everything in your life changes. I'm not complaining about taking care of Chris. I knew I would always be taking care of him and I love him dearly and would do anything for him. But taking care of Chris AND Mom is too much. I can't do it.
So much has gone on. Last wed, the 13th, Chris and I were going to Moms and taking lunch and eat with her, getting the guardianship paper from her and then going to the appt. with the lawyer regarding getting guardianship of Chris. I called Mom before we left the house to see what she was wanting for lunch; no answer on her cell phone. Tried it several times so I then called her house phone; no answer. After numerous calls (by then we were on the road, on our way to her house) I called Jim and said something is up. I got to Moms house, let myself in and there was Mom lying in the hallway. She said she thought she broke her hip. She fell in the kitchen and crawled to the hallway. We got there about 1:30pm. She had fallen about 10am. Called 911, ambulance took her to Jackson and they did surgery that night. She did well through surgery and is now at a nursing home in Parsons. They think that she will be up walking and be able to go home in maybe 4 to 6 weeks. I don't think so. She is lying in bed and can't stand on her leg, much less walk. Besides this going on, Chris is having more and more difficulty walking and we went to Walmart saturday and when we got back out to the car, We followed our routine like we always do. He leaves his walker by the car, walks around and gets in the car. He left his walker, started to walk around the car and either tripped or lost his footing and fell. His face hit the brush bar on the front of the Jeep and then he fell on his back. I dropped everything and ran to him and fell kindof on him. His nose was bleeding so bad. He was crying. I got him to sit up and out of nowhere a man comes up and says "Can I help you get him up?" I said yes and I was thinking, my back is not going to be able to do this and out of nowhere another man comes up and says "Wait. Let me help get him up." Thank God for the angels. They got him up while I held kleenex to his nose and they got him around to the door and got him in the jeep. I had left my purse and our cart of stuff just sitting out in the lane and thank you God once again, no one messed with it or took off with my purse because I sure wouldn't have noticed. I took Chris to the ER to be checked over and they took xrays of his nose. It was not broken. They looked him all over; scratched up knee but other than that he was ok. His back is hurting some now so I'll call the doctor tomorrow. I think maybe he should have xrays of his back. He has fallen on his back 3 times now and it does seem to be bothering him. It is so hard for him to describe pain or tell someone where he is hurting. If you ask Chris he always says he hurts all over. It has been a very bad few days and before Mom fell she had gotten mad at me and had called me a spoilt brat, not a nice person and a bitch. I am just so worn out and emotionally exhausted. It's getting harder and harder to deal with everything. Add to that complete burn out and I know that I need to get someone to help with things and help with Mom and Chris too at times. Today, Chris was in a terrible fog. He ket falling asleep off and on today and while we were at the restaurant eating he started crying and said he was hurting. I told Mom about Chris falling and his nose bleeding and all she could say was she knew what that was like to fall. She didn't ask how he was or seemed concerned at all. I don't really know why I expected her to be. My sweet precious Chris is slipping away and I feel like I can't give him the attention he deserves and needs. I'm just going to have to have someone deal with Mom so I can devote my time to Chris. Not to mention that I also need to devote time to my marriage. Someone that has not been a caregiver could not understand how it effects every corner of your life. How everything in your life changes. I'm not complaining about taking care of Chris. I knew I would always be taking care of him and I love him dearly and would do anything for him. But taking care of Chris AND Mom is too much. I can't do it.
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