13 Dec 2012
Still trying to get Christmas going in our home. I do have Chris' tree up in his room and decorated. Lights up and decorations scattered around in his room and he loves it. He's so excited for Christmas. Yesterday (actually the 11th) I was driving to my doctors appt and hit a deer. Messed up the jeep and Chris slept through it. It almost made it across but not quite. Chris talked about it all day yesterday how I hit one of Santa's reindeers. I told Chris if that was one of Santa's reindeers, then I can look forward to sticks and a lump of coal for Christmas. Chris is still doing pretty good for the most part. He certainly has his moments of fog and confusion but he has been smiling and laughing more and that's awesome! He loves Christmas so much and maybe this time of year with all the decorations and talk of Christmas and gifts and Christmas music it's really triggering memories with him. Whatever the reason, I will take it. Tomorrow we have to take the jeep to the shop for them to estimate the damage, do some more shopping, get groceries, get Mom's medicine, and maybe if we can, go look at Christmas lights. I thought we would see if Mom wants to go with us. I think she would enjoy it. I'm still working on getting the tree up. I just don't have enough time in the day to get everything done. How in the hell did our ancestors raise a family, take care of all the kids and the house and chores?????? I can't seem to get anything done. Oh well, the world won't end if I don't get all the decorations up that I usually do. I'm just doing the basics especially since we won't be here right after Christmas. Chris is talking in his sleep and I had better get to bed too. It's 2:34am of the 13th and we have alot to do later today. Got to get some sleep.

7 Dec 2012
We are now into December and I feel so behind on everything. I am working on my Christmas cards and hope to be able to mail them tomorrow. I'm not sending out as many this year and I hope everyone understands. Chris and I have done alittle shopping. Need to do alot more but we'll get it done. I'm stilling working on decorating. I have the tree in the house but it's not decorated yet. I do have lights up in Chris' room and some decorations and he loves it. Most days have been really good for him. He has his moments but overall has been pretty clearminded. We are going to Jims moms for Christmas eve but will be coming back home that night. I'm hoping we will be able to go to Midnight Mass which will be the first time since moving to TN. Christmas morning will be Jim, Chris and me at home. Chris will get to find his presents under the tree (this could be a first for Chris). Later in the day we are going over to Moms and have Christmas with her. The next day Jim, Chris and I are off to West Virginia for a week. We will be celebrating my birthday in WV! Awesome! We are also celebrating news years eve there. Should be a great trip and I am hoping that it works out good with Chris. He's excited about the trip and I think he will do good. Will just pack LOTS of clothes, pads and etc.. for him. Also, it will be alot colder there so we will bring lots of layers and heavy coats. I hope there is alittle snow for Chris to enjoy but not too much which they usually get. I love WV but I don't want to get stuck there lol.

26 Nov 2012
This morning I got up to get coffee started and there was Chris sitting in the family room with a big grin on his face. I went in and said "Well hi!" He told me that he got up and didn't want to go  back to sleep so he came out to the family room. I asked him if he was scared or thought he was alone and he said no, that he was letting me sleep. So began our day of complete clarity for Chris. He wanted to stay out with me all day so we watched Christmas movies, talked, laughed, looked at old pictures and sang Christmas songs. Chris talked about each picture and could identify every person in the pictures, even the old pictures. He hasn't been able to do this for months. Chris talked about everything and he smiled; really smiled. My Chris was back. The boy I grew up with and had so much fun with. I couldn't believe how clearminded he was. When he finished his coffee, he yelled in at me in the kitchen " Do we have rootbeer?" He hasn't asked for much of anything for so long now. I was elated that he was asking me ordinary questions. I got him rootbeer and fixed him lunch and he ate every bit of it. This lasted most of the day. Then he started looking around the room and I saw that frown look that he has alot now. I asked him questions and he just looked at me. My sweet brother was gone. He went back into the fog that he lives in now. My heart broke in two. I lost him again. I wasn't ready to let him go. I wasn't ready for this wonderful day to be over with. It was like a death of sorts. He slipped away. I led him into his room, changed his pads and got him settled into bed so he could watch his TV. Homer was all snuggled in by him purring, I leaned over and kissed him and left the room. I cried. I felt such a loss and was mad but then I thanked God for the precious gift he gave Chris and I today. I am thankful for today and what Chris and I had together. I hate this damn hateful disgusting devastating disease with every fiber of my being. I love Chris more than anything.

23 Nov 2012
Thanksgiving turned out great. The food came out perfect and time with Mom was nice; no drama and not too much tension. Today was hard with Chris. Bed was wet this morning so I got all clean bedding on it and this afternoon he wet it again. Not just in the usual place but also at the end of the bed. Can't figure that out unless he sat down at the end. He also wet on the rug by his bed. I am so frustrated. I got him changed again and the bed changed again and now I'm sitting in the family room crying. I don't think I can do this. I feel so helpless and so challenged. I know that tomorrow i will probably feel different but right at this moment I feel worthless. I feel like a failure and I get frustrated at Chris and he can't help it. he's such an angel. How can you get mad at an angel? I love Chris so dearly and when I feel like I can't do this I feel like I'm letting him down and that makes it even worse. I need a break. I need some stress relief. I need a kleenex.

21 Nov 2012
Well, it's the Thanksgiving eve and I am thinking of all that I am thankful for. I am very thankful for such a loving caring husband that is so kind and helps me so much with Chris. I don't know what I'd do without Jim in my life. I am very thankful that Chris is living with us and that I can care for him. It is hard at times but I am so thankful to be able to have him at home and care for all of his needs. I know that someday that might change but for now all is good. I am thankful for a roof over my head and to be able to be debt free and be able to pay our bills. I am thankful that we always have plenty of food on the table and really want for nothing. Our needs are simple and we like to live as simple a life as possible. I am very very thankful that Chris for the most part always knows who I am though there are times that he forgets. He forgets who other people are but perhaps because he is always with me and we interact all the time, he is able to remember me. Whatever the reason, I am thankful. Tomorrow we are going to Moms. I am fixing the dinner and taking it. I'm trying to make it as simple as possible but it's never simple when dealing with my Mom. I am making a roast with carrots, potatoes, onions and celery. I am also making a turkey breast with the works. The reason for both is that Mom wanted a roast and I am trying to make her happy *sigh* Chris said he wants turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce so I am trying to make him happy too. I don't care and Jim doesn't either. We'd be happy with a pizza. I think I have an ulcer and went to the doctor and the doctor thought it was my gallbladder. He ran bloodwork on me and I went to the hospital for an ultrasound. I feel like crap and yet I am crazy enough to try and do thanksgiving dinner. Why? Because I am trying to please everyone. Story of my life. Anyway, I have no problem making it a nice thanksgiving for my sweet Chris and it might be the last thanksgiving with Mom so it's all good.

16 Nov 2012
My posts are becoming farther and farther inbetween. Life is taking up more and more time. Some days are good some days are bad. I was thinking today how much Chris has lost in almost a year since being diagnosed. I thought of it today because when we got home, he couldn't remember how to turn on the light in his room. Things have changed so much. The things he use to do and has now lost is staggering. He chokes on everything now, even his beloved coffee. He can't lift big drinks to his mouth now so we use small glasses with lids, like sippy cups. He has lost control of his bladder and bowels. He doesn't even know when he goes now. He can no longer dress himself. He has lost interest in his favorite shows (except Andy Griffith which he still loves). He forgets who I am, who Mom is, who Jim is. He can't remember how to get out of the bed in the morning. I have to cover him with a blanket because he can't get the blanket up on him. He can't write anymore, he can no longer read and he no longer sings which he loved more than anything. His muscles have become so weak that he has trouble holding a spoon or fork. He has to use a walker to get around now and I'm afraid it won't be long before he will be in a wheelchair. I miss the Chris I grew up with. Don't get me wrong; I love Chris dearly and I am very fornuate to have him and we still have alot of fun together. But......I miss the old Chris that sang at the top of his lungs with me, who joked with everyone so much and teased everyone. I miss Chris chasing me in WalMart when we shop and hiding in the next aisle to get me. I miss his interactions with me and everyone and I miss our conversations. I miss his beautiful smile; he doesn't smile much anymore. I miss the sound of his laugh. He use to laugh so easily. I have to really work it now and tickle him to hear a laugh. Even then, it's not the same. I miss so much yet when I look at him I KNOW he is there. He is in there. He's still my sweet brother. The damn hateful disease is robbing us of Chris. Sometimes it makes me so mad! Then; it makes me so sad! Have to go tuck him in bed and get some rest for another day.

31 Oct 2012

Happy Halloween! The party was alot of fun at my sister in laws. Jim couldn't make it; he was stuck in traffic in KY because of a HazMat spill on the highway so Chris and I went on by ourselves. The costumes were a hit. Chris looked so good and he really got the attention :) I'm the one with the pink wig and my sister in law Carol is the witch. We then spent the night with my mother in law because I didn't feel like driving 2 hours back home. We really had fun and I miss all of them so much. I don't get to see them that often so Chris and I are going back in a week or so and spend the night with Mary, my mother in law, again. She is so kind and sweet to Chris. She really loves him and he is crazy about her too. We are still doing our daily drives. Chris calls them field trips. Today we went to the post office and rode around alittle. Met Jim for a late lunch and Chris liked that. Tomorrow we are going to the store to get Mom groceries. Chris is not standing straight upright anymore. He leans over alot. I told him yesterday to try standing straight and tall and when he did his face went kind of white and he said his back hurt. I asked him where and he pointed to his lower back. Then he said he needed to sit down, he couldn't stand any longer. Another thing to watch with him. I don't know if he hurt his back, his back is weak from lying in bed alot or sitting in bed watching tv or if it has to do with his muscles weakening due to alzheimers. If it bothers him or his standing or walking gets worse, I will ask the doctor. I guess they could do xrays but then what? I very much doubt they would do surgery since going under anesthesia is somewhat of a risk for someone with Downs and also the alzheimers plays a part in that. My appointment at the allergist was interesting and informative. The doctor believes it was fire ants that stung me, not a spider bite. So, I go back for allergy tests on all venom insects. At least I feel really good now and am not so worried about getting bit or stung again. We do have fire ants on our property (they are everywhere around the state) so we have to watch out and see about getting rid of them. I worry about Chris too because he probably wouldn't pay alot of attention to ants or something like that around him. Am posting other halloween pictures from the party. One is of our nephews girlfriend dressed as a cowgirl. Chris really took a liking to her and she was so sweet and attentive to him. We are blessed to have such great family and friends in  our life that are so kind and caring.

26 Oct 2012
It's been quite a while since posting anything. Have just been really busy. Last weekend Jim, Chris, Mom and I took a weekend trip to the Smoky Mountains and over into NC. It was absolutely beautiful. The colors were breathtaking. I think Mom really enjoyed it. She had never been to eastern TN and NC. Chris had a good time too and evidently really enjoyed riding around because he has asked me every day since then if we can take a ride. Unfortunately, when we got home I got bit by something (I think a spider) and went into anaphylaxis. Jim and Chris rushed me to the emergency room and they took good care of me. If I hadn't gone I would be dead. Monday I go to an allergist and get to have the fun fun allergy tests done. It's important to find out what I am allergic to now. I have always been allergic to alot of stuff and had allergy tests done years ago but things can change so will be good to know what I'm dealing with. I now carry an epipen with me at all times now. Chris was so sweet during all of this. He was sitting in the ER room with me and he kept looking at me and asking me if I was going to be ok. Then he would ask me if I was still kicking. I would lift my foot up alittle and give him the thumbs up. I couldn't talk very well and I would try to smile but it was hard to do. My face was completely swollen and my lips were huge. Would have been a really scary halloween costume. The amazing thing is that since then Chris has been so clearminded. Every day he has been very alert and talkative and wants to go places so off we go. Sometimes it's just into town but he is happy. Tomorrow we are going to Jims sisters halloween party. Chris is going as a scary clown. He will be dressed to the hilt. I am going as a streetwalker and Jim is going as Romney. Should be a great time. Chris is super excited about the party. He talks about it nonstop. I hope he has a great time. I'm sure he will. We always have so much fun with Jims family. They all love Chris so much and treat him so special.

4 Oct 2012
Well, this past monday I took Chris to the neurologist for his checkup. He is now on 100mg of Topamax longterm because of his seizures now. The doctor once again reminded me that Chris will not get better, he will get worse. I understand that they have to keep people in a reality check and prepare the family but I wanted to scream out "I $%@&! KNOW AND I DON'T NEED TO BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED!!!!!!!" It was a sad day and I wanted to cry all day. Just sad. Chris was in his fog most of the day. I had to feed him at the restaurant because he was shaking so much. Overall, he did pretty good though. Tuesday we had to take Mom to her appt. and once again Chris was in his fog. While we are sitting in the waiting room all of a sudden Chris looks at me and smiles real big and says "I know you!" I said you do? Who am I? He said "You are my sweet sister!" The clouds lifted, the angels sang and my heart soared.  He was just beaming and said he was so happy he was going to cry. He kept on hugging me and kissing me. I told him don't cry because then I will cry too. A little old lady in the waiting room said she was ready to cry too. Every person in that room was touched by Chris. They were all commenting about how sweet he was. This is why Chris is still here. He brings joy to all. He moved everyone that day and it didn't end. We went to the restaurant across the street for lunch and even though Chris was slipping back into his fog, the waitress and employees there were so kind to him and even fixed him an extra special bowl of ice cream. Chris brings peace and love and joy everywhere he goes. He makes people happy and the world needs people like him. I am so very proud to be his sister and am blessed that God chose me to be his sister. Sad days but Chris' love see's us through.

30 Sep 2012
Today, Jim, Chris and I went and got my Mom and took her out to eat. It was a real nice day. Chris did well and ate really good. I couldn't believe how much he ate. Chris has been so extra extra sweet here lately. He is always sweet but lately he has been giving lots of kisses and hugs. So sweet. He had another small seizure last week so his dose of Topamax has been doubled. It seems to have helped because he hasn't had anymore seizures. He got up night before last and I was in the kitchen and saw him walking into the family room. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking for something. Couldn't ever figure out what he was looking for and he couldn't tell me so I directed him back to bed and tucked him in. I told him we would find it in the morning and he went back to sleep. These kind of things are happening more and more. On an upnote, Jim told me that he planned something for me on Saturday. When Chris and I got home from town friday evening, I asked Jim what it was and he told me he had booked an appointment for me at the Spa. An all day visit to the spa. I got a facial, full body massage, lunch, mani and pedi, hair trim. Jim said that I needed a break and some pampering because I had so much stress going on. Saturday morning I got up and Jim made me breakfast-ham and cheese omelet, orange juice and toast. How sweet can you get? He is absolutely the most thoughtful, kind, sweet husband. How blessed am I to have him? He is so sweet with Chris, my Mom, and he takes such good care of me. I thank God every day for him. He makes every day special but saturday was a day I won't soon forget. Tomorrow is doctors appt for Chris at the neurologist, and then foot doctor appt in the afternoon for Chris and Mom. It will be a full day in Jackson for us but will make the best of it and we will make it a fun day.

25 Sep 2012
Took Chris to the doctor yesterday to have his ears flushed out. People with Down Syndrome have a curved ear canal and they all have trouble with wax buildup. I had been cleaning his ears out with hydrogen peroxide but it wasn't doing it so the doctor flushed them out and Chris is so happy because he can hear again. His hearing had gotten so mad. The important thing too is that when he couldn't hear well, he was even more distant with us. The alzheimers puts him into his own world alot and then not being able to hear made it even worse. When we left the doctors office yesterday, he talked all the way to Lexington where we shopped. It was funny because he went on and on about how he could hear. He laughed and was a happy boy. We went to Moms yesterday and took her some chicken. My God she loves chicken lol. We are going back there today because I forget to bring her medicine I got for her and I forgot to have the doctor sign a paper so I can get the handicap card for the car. I am so forgeful! Chris picked out more halloween decorations for his room and he also picked out a scary clown mask. It looks like the clown "It" from the Stephen King novel. He spotted it and said can I get this? I said are you sure you want that? He said yes and I said you know I'm really scared of clowns and he said I know. Lmao!!! That's my Chris. When these moments surface of the old Chris that I grew up with and love so very much, it just makes my day. He's in there. Sometimes he doesn't come out but when he does I cherish it and am so happy and grateful. I say I love my brother so much but I can never truly express how deeply I love him. Words can not describe the love I have for him. He is perfect in  my eyes and I am so very very lucky and blessed to call him my brother my buddy my friend.

20 Sep 2012
Some days it is so hard to be a caregiver. You question yourself; am I'm doing enough? Am I good enough? Should I have done that differently? Can I really do this? Ahhh, some days are just damn hard and that's all there is to it. Chris had another spell this morning where his eyes rolled back in his head and he almost fell. I think he is having some seizures. The doctor thinks he might be also. October 1st I guess we will find out. They will run more tests and see. Later, we went to WalMart because i had to get 2 medication refills for Chris, 2 for Jim, and 1 for Mom. Chris was so out of it and it was very difficult. He had to sit alot and was confused. I suppose the time is coming where I can't take Chris on errands with me anymore. This means that I will have to find someone that can sit with him. I'm so untrusting of people and this is going to be a hard one. They definitely have to at least be a CNA. I'd love to find a nurse or recently retired nurse that would be willing to sit with him. They have to be certified in first aid and know the heimlich manuveur. In the meantime, Jim can be with Chris and I will have to shop on the weekends. It will all work out. It has to doesn't it? Some days it is so hard to be a caregiver..............

18 Sep 2012
The last few days have been fair. I am down in my back and that has made things much more difficult. I have to sit down while I dress Chris and even then it is hard. Chris is doing fair. I don't know if I mentioned this last post but the other morning when I woke him up he told me he had so much to do. I asked him what did he need to do and he said he needed to go to church. For those of you that don't know Chris that well, he is a very faithful person and loves church but hasn't been for awhile due to his health. It kind of got me because the way he said it was almost like he was, as they say, "getting his house in order". Some days I feel that he won't be around much longer. Other days it is better and I have hope for him having more quality time here on earth. After he ate breakfast (he eats breakfast in his room so he can sit and watch Andy Griffith), I looked in at him and he was sitting on the side of bed and jerking his legs around, his body was shaking and he had his eyes closed. I thought that perhaps he was having another seizure. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to get out of a trap. I told him to just lift his legs up and he said he was trying but they wouldn't move. I could tell he was really trying and he couldn't lift them. Freaky because it was all mind over matter. He really thought he couldn't lift his legs because they were trapped. Anyway, got his legs moved and he is sitting in bed watching cartoons. Each day is more and more foggy. I want my brother back. I want my sweet giggliing funny boy that always has a smile on his face and a joke to tell. The season is changing and soon it will be dark dreary cold days and I don't think I can face those days. At least with the sunshine, there is a feeling of warmth and brightness and hope. I know I need to be strong but some days I feel so very weak. I have to work once again to find that joy. It's there. There is alot of joy in life. There still is alot of joy in Chris. He is now watching Scooby Doo and he loves it so. He puts on his scooby doo hat, and I got him a scooby doo bandana so he likes to wear that around his neck. Now that is funny and joyful in such a good way. I had Chris pick out some halloween stuff and we put up some lights around the house today. I need to put the skeleton up in his room that he picked out. I think I'll get some more lights and put them in his window. I haven't been sharing different things to make things easier to care for him or medications and food. You know, helpful hints. I mean to do that but I get caught up in the sadness. One thing I have figured out it and it is working well now-Chris was waking up every morning with his bed wet. I have a plastic cover on the matress and pads on top of that. The fitted sheet is next with pads on it to catch what leaks out. He wears 2 long pads and 2 pull up pads at night. Still, he is wet and so is the bed. Well, I found that if I tape the bed pads down so they don't move around, the bedding is saved and I don't have to wash his bedding every single day. All I have to do is remove those used bed pads and put new ones down. It has helped alot and has made it so much easier on me and my washer lol. Plus, Chris feels better about it too because he felt bad when he would wet the bed. I tell not to worry about it; no big deal but he still feels bad. My sweet little baby bro.

12 Sep 2012
Today has been a terrible day. It started out bad with Chris in fog and so slow this morning and being confused. We had to get up early because Chris had a doctors appt. We got to the doctor and Chris was in a daze. He couldn't hear anything and was just basically lost. the doctor prescribed him some eye drops for his watery red swollen eyes and he checked Chris' circulation in his left leg that hurts him alot. I cried in front of our doctor and I tell you he is the kindest most compassionate man. He's from India and is so gentle and caring and so kind to Chris and Mom. Jim and I really like him too. He is really smart and thorough. A country doctor in a little town in Tennessee from India lol. Chris and I then went and got Mom and went to Lexington and got Chris' medicine and got neccessities and groceries. As usual, it was very trying with my Mom and totally wore me out. After dropping Mom off, Chris and I were heading home and all of a sudden he came out of his funk and was talking and laughing and was the Chris I've always known. My Chris was back. All evening he has been happy and laughing and cheerful. I just tucked him in and he is now sleeping. A very stressful day and I have cried off and on all day. Today it really hit me just how much Chris has changed. Everything; his laughter, his excitement over things-just everything. I talked about it at length with my husband tonight and we talked about how it will reach a time when I might not be able to care for Chris. If he needs medical care that I can't do or something. I know that there will possibly be a time when this happens but I told Jim that I can only take it day by day. As of now, I can handle everything. I will do it as long as I physically can. He will stay with us and when the time comes, I will get a nurse to come in and help. I told Mom it doesn't work for me to take her and Chris shopping. It's too hard. They both are on walkers and I can't keep up with both and Chris is getting to the point that physically he can't do it. I'm going to have to get someone to help Mom. She is not happy about it I'm sure but I told her I can't do it all. I can only do so much and Chris' needs are pressing at this time and Mom is doing pretty good considering so I might have to have someone do her grocery shopping or going to check on her. Who knows; I guess I will find out soon enough. Time for bed; I'm exhausted.

5 Sep 2012
We had a real nice day yesterday at Moms to celebrate her 88th birthday. I made her a lemon cake with lemon frosting and we went and got KFC because she loves it so much. It was good and the cake turned out good. She was happy and I think liked what we got her and enjoyed her day. Jim and I dropped Chris off at her house with the ice cream and cake and we went to get the KFC in the next town. We were gone for about 45 minutes and when we got back Mom said that as soon as we left, Chris told her he had to go to the bathroom and she made him wait. She didn't help him. Needless to say, Chris had wet his pads and shorts. I asked her why she didn't help him and she said "Well, I guess he didn't need to go that bad. I thought you could help him when you got back." Well he did have to go very badly. Come to find out all he needed was help getting his belt undone. I was livid. It made me so damn mad. I didn't say anything but in my mind I was screaming "THIS IS WHY CHRIS CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU. YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!!!!!" I really wanted to say something but I thought it's better not to. After all, it's her birthday and that was my gift to her; not getting mad at her and saying something. I have to say though that it took every bit of strength that I had to keep from saying something. If it had been something about me it wouldn't have mattered but it being about Chris upset me. It was just for 45 minutes and she couldn't even help for less than an hour. Now before anyone says anything about well my God she's 88 years old, let me say, yeah she is BUT she has always been this way. Her actions now aren't any different than when we were little kids. So sad. Enough of that. Chris is declining quickly and he doesn't laugh much anymore. That really hurts because Chris has always had a real sharp sense of humor. He has always been a giggily funny guy. Always laughing about something and always making everyone laugh. Somewhere inside him is the Chris I know. How I would give anything for him to come out. I miss him. I know he's there. I also know that sometimes I reach him. I see it in his eyes. My precious precious brother Chris.

29 Aug 2012
Things have gone pretty good today. Sunday night Jims son came to visit and stayed the night and all day Monday. We had a great visit with him and really enjoyed him being here. Wish he could have stayed longer. I think Jim overdid it these last few days. Today he has relaxed and watched TV and played his guitar and I think has done better because of that. Chris has had a frustrating day today. Maybe I should rephrase that and say I have had a frustrating day with Chris. It was just out of it today and seemed so distant. It makes me sad when he is like this because I know that somewhere inside him is the Chris I have always known. I know he is in there. I told Jim the worst part of this is that I am watching Chris slowly losing everything. The brother I have grown up is leaving me and that breaks my heart. Each day I see him slipping further and further away. It's so damn unfair that he has to go through this. The most precious gift we all have is our memories; our memory of our family and friends-the people we love, memories of the fun times and experiences. When you lose these; what's left? You're lost. Tomorrow I'm going to Mom's to take her to the store. Jim and Chris are going to stay home. I hope they do okay. I think it will be fine. Chris said he was excited to have a guy day with Jim. At least I won't be too far away and it will definitely be so much easier to just take Mom and her walker instead of her and Chris with their "walker wars". Life is so precious and fleeting. Enjoy it now. Live in the moment. Plan for the future but enjoy the now.

26 Aug 2012
Friday we had to take Jim back to the doctor again because he had gotten so much worse with his dizziness and he was having double vision also. The doctor said he needed to get to a neurologist so he got ahold of one that would see Jim and off we went. An hours drive later we are there and it was confirmed that Jim did have a massive stroke at the base of his brain stem. When the neurologist said where the stroke happened, I was sick. My Dad died from a stroke at the base of his brain stem. It had shut down his whole body. Thank you dear Lord that Jim's wasn't as bad. He is still weak and dizzy and is having alittle trouble with his speech but he is actually doing pretty good. He is home resting and I am now taking care of 3 people. Don't get me wrong; I am not complaining but I wonder just how much I can take and handle. God surely must think I am a pretty strong person and He has alot of faith in me; certainly more faith in me than I do. Chris is doing pretty good today. He had several bad days but today has been good. He keeps checking on Jim and is very concerned about Jim. They are buddies and Chris loves him so much. Today was alot of running from Chris' room to our bedroom attending to both of their needs but I did it and it worked out okay. I am really worried about Jim and his health. His stroke in 2010 scared the you-know-what out of me and for him to have had another one is frustrating and cause for concern. We have really got to watch the diet better. His blood pressure has been alittle high lately and his cholesteral is high. I think I am really being tested and pushed to the max right now but I can do this. Lol, I don't have a choice. When you love someone you do whatever you have to do to care for them. I love Jim so much and I love Chris so much and I can't imagine life without my two important men. My husband and brother mean the world to me. I thank God every day for them and their love. I'm a lucky girl!

20 Aug 2012
Well, alot has gone on since last entry. Jim got extremely dizzy and we had to rush to the doctor. We thought that perhaps he had a stroke (he had one in 2010). I took him to the hospital and he had a ct-scan and the results showed no stroke or blockage; thank you God! However, the dizziness is severe and continues. He is taking medications for this and this morning he said he was starting to feel alittle better. Still dizzy but not as bad as it was. You talk about worried. I was so worried but didn't want him to know just how bad I was worried. My thoughts were racing about what would happen and if something happened to him how I would survive. How could I go on? Jim is my everything. I love him so much and it scares me when he gets sick. I can't lose him. This past weekend was taking care of Jim and taking care of Chris and talking to Mom on the phone to see how she was doing. I'm getting very use to taking care of Chris now and we do have a pretty good routine going on that works but then when Jim gets sick, I realise how overwhelmed I am and how alone I feel. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining about caring for them-I love them and without question I would do whatever I had to do to care for the people that I love BUT when they are all in need it's hard. I realise that being a caregiver, especially caring for someone with alzhiemers is very isolating. It's a 24/7 job and it keeps you at home alot and not able to do the things that you use to do. I went to WalMart to get Jims medicine saturday and left him and Chris at home. It was very strange to be at WalMart by myself because it has been ages since I shopped by myself. Did I enjoy it? Yes. I'm not ashamed to say that I really enjoyed being able to shop by myself even though it was just WalMart and a hurried trip so I could get back home. Things are going good today with Jim and Chris and Mom. Just the way I like it. :)

15 Aug 2012

The weekend was fun for us. We had a great time at our brother in laws birthday party. Chris did real well. He ate good and visited with everyone and had fun. He also flirted with all the women and has new girlfriends now. He's such a sweetie. Everyone was so kind and good to him. He got more hugs than the birthday boy lol. I figured he would sleep all the way home on our 2 hour drive but he was awake and talked the whole way. Today is another story. Chris has had a bad day today. It started this morning when I was changing him and putting his new pads on him. He said he was hurting and kept trying to sit down on the floor. I told him to sit on the bed and he then said he was so dizzy. I told him to lie down for a minute. His eyes looked crazy. He laid back and then his eyes were rolling back in his head. Scary. I stayed by him and kept talking to him and he came out of it and said he was fine. I think that maybe it was a small seizure. We went with Jim to his doctor appointment and I told the nurse what happened and she told the doctor. He said to watch him and if it happens again he wants to see him. It could have been just dizziness but you never know and alzheimers patients do have seizures so it is a concern. The rest of the day Chris was just in a daze. He was in a fog all day. Confused and tired. He fell asleep several times while we were out running errands and shopping. My poor baby brother. He kept forgetting who I was and then was asking me if Mom was coming home soon. I asked him coming home from where and he said she was at the store and would be home soon. I told him Mom was at her house and was going to get into explaining that she didn't drive anymore and wasn't at the store and etc...but caught myself and just said she was at home and okay. He frowned alot today and I have learned that when he frowns he is either concerned, confused or both. Hopefully tomorrow will be a much better day.

10 Aug 2012
Yesterday was a great day! It's so nice to be able to say that. I got alot done and enjoyed doing things for me (which was really needed). I read a mindless book, watched mindless TV, went through things deciding what I wanted to keep and what to get rid of and I actually felt pretty good; only had a small headache in the afternoon. Chris did good yesterday. He was sleepy and took 2 naps yesterday but that's okay. Today started with Chris very wet and the bed even wetter. He went into the bathroom and stood there with his pads and pants still up and peed. I asked him what he was doing and he said he didn't know. I'm afraid it's going to be one of those days. I guess you get a good day and then one not so good. I should really rephrase that; every day is good. It's just that some days it's alittle more stressful. I need to remember what the doctor said; Don't worry and stress about everything. Some things are beyond my control so I need to deal with what I can change and the other stuff will be okay. This sunday we are going to Jims sisters husbands 60th birthday party. They live 2 hours from us so alittle drive but not bad at all. Chris is excited to be going to a party. :) We haven't decided whether we are going to spend the night or not. I'm kind of hoping to come back home. I would rather Chris wet his own bed than someone elses. Ofcourse I will take plenty of pads but still I think it would be better to just come back home. Going on a longer trip is one thing but just staying the night after an evening party and then leave early the next morning is not worth all the hassle. I might have a different opinion about this after the party if we are all really tired; who knows lol.

7 Aug 2012
Things are still going pretty good with our routine. Every morning I go wake Chris up and change him, change his bedding and get his breakfast. It dawned on me that it really is becoming like a mother taking care of her baby. Chris is so sweet and always feels bad that he has wet everything. I tell him no big deal, we will just get everything cleaned up. I have to really watch now that he doesn't get chaffed or his skin doesn't break out due to him being wet. Thank God for baby wipes and desitin. I am doing alot of house cleaning which is theraputic. I haven't felt well for several weeks now. I have a headache every day and stomach is somewhat upset. I can't get through the night without waking with my legs hurting so bad. I have sweats off and on and just basically don't feel well at all. I pray it is not the Lupus flaring up. I don't know but tomorrow when I take Mom to the doctor, I will see him as well and have him draw blood and see what's up. I can't afford to be sick. Who will take care of Mom and Chris? Jim has to work so he can't take off work to help. I'm praying that whatever is going on that the doctor can find out what it is and if need be, get on some medicine to help me get better. I'm really looking forward to out trip to WV the end of this month. Jim's Mom is going with us and I'm so happy that she is. We are going to have a great time. Chris is excited aand he loves Jims Mom, Mary, so that will be fun for him as well. I'm thankful that Chris is still able to travel. I don't know how long that will last but he loves to go places with us and we always have alot of fun. LOTS of pads will be taken. Hopefully, the bed won't get wet. Have to really plan ahead; extra pads of all kinds, extra clothes and whatever else Chris might need. He keeps asking me if he can take this or that and I tell him he can take whatever he wants as long as it fits in his bag or suitcase. He definitely wants to bring his little travel pillow with stars on it, his Elvis blanket and his stuffed cat that he keeps by his head on his pillow. Sounds good to me because I'm thinking that the more things like that he takes with him, the more relaxed and comfortable he will feel with his surroundings. I love my Chris!!!!!!!

29 Jul 2012
It has been a few days since posting so thought I'd play catchup. Chris overall, has been doing very well. We continue to have the bladder and bowel control problem but I think, as of right now, I've got a handle on it.  We have fallen into a routine with it and it works.....as of now. Today has been such a nice day. It started the same as it does every day; wake up Chris, got him cleaned up and changed, fix Chris breakfast, go out and water the garden, clean the garden up, fix Barneys food and change his water, then I put flea drops on him, Jim and I burnt the trash, and I made an awesome meal of stuffed shells, and spinach noodles with rosa sauce and feta cheese and spinach sausage. It was so good! Also made garlic cheese bread and had a delicious bottle of wine. It was a great meal! Jim said it was better than any Italian restaurant he's been to and trust me, Jim LOVES italian food! Chris' Risperdal that he takes makes him shake but other than that, all the medication is doing exactly what it is supose to do-Thank you God! Tomorrow is physical therapy with Mom and also Thurs and then it's done. Her shoulder is so much better now. The therapy has really helped her. Also, things have been going really good with Mom. We are getting along real well and not as much stress and tension between us. I think a big part of it is that I have distanced myself and look at her as an old woman that needs my help and I'm trying to not take things so personally anymore.  This too seems to be working right now. Things change; they always do, but so far...all is well. Well as can be expected!

21 Jul 2012
It is the early hours 12:27am and I just got done bathing Chris and getting him all cleaned up from yet another incredible  is mess of poop everywhere. It was so bad this time that while I was trying to clean him up, I just wanted to sit down and quit. I really thought to myself "I can't do this!" Poor Chris, he can't clean himself and I pushed through it and got it done. Man, it was so hard this time. My back is worn out and I know that I am whining but I can't help it. I am exhausted and worn out and so down at the moment. The last few days Chris has been so vague about everything. He has good moments but there are alot of moments when he just sits there confused. I feel so bad for him. He is tired and so am I. I don't know; I just don't have the mental strength for this right now. I better go to bed and start fresh in the morning. After all, tomorrow is another day! Thank you Scarlet.

14 Jul 2012
Things have been going pretty smooth lately. Mom's arm was still hurting her so she is now taking physical theray for it. Monday, wednesday, and friday each week. Talk about running all the time; plus Chris had a doctors appt too. The therapy seems to be helping Mom. We actually have been having nice times together with not too many upsets. Thank you God!!! Chris does get alittle confused that we are going over there every other day. He's so afraid that I will leave him there. I reassure him but he still asks me every time. His bladder control problem still is an issue. The doctor said that risperdal blocks the part of the brain that alerts him to when he needs to go. It also is causing him to shake some. However, the hallucinations have almost stopped. He still gets upset when he gets confused about things but I do believe that the medication is helping. He has been so happy and giggily lately. That makes me so happy when I hear him laugh. Our little cat, Orville, has been sleeping with Chris every night. Chris loves that. Chris and Orville are buddies and they play with a string and I can hear Chris talking to Orville. It is so funny. Chris just talks to him so seriously like he would to anyone else. The only bad thing is that Chris keeps forgeting who I am. He corrects himself pretty quickly but still it just grabs at my heart each time it happens. I wonder if that is normal for the alzheimers patient forgets the caregiver? I remember my Dad being so hard on my Mom and us when he was in the nursing home. He accused us of trying to kill him. They say that the patient is always the hardest on the one's closest to them. Maybe it is the same with alzheimers.

8 Jul 2012
Back from a great trip to Georgia and North Carolina. Jim, Chris and I had so much fun. Jim had a great birthday on the 3rd. Chris did very good. He is having terrible problems now with his bladder so there has been lots of wet clothes and lots of changing pads. His confusion was not real bad during the trip but when we were coming home, he did get confused as to who I was. He then told me how sorry he was that he couldn't remember me. :( Those things really break my heart but I know that it will be happening more and more as time goes by. All and all it was a great trip except Jim got sick; a nasty cold and then I got it. So far Chris doesn't have it. I hope he doesn't get it because I don't know what he could take for it because of the Aricept, Risperdal, and Topamax that he is on. Chris got to see Andy and Barneys patrol car and we got pictures of him sitting in it and standing beside it. He was so excited!! He loves Andy Griffith Show so much and he thought that was really something seeing the car. We also got to spend the day with the guy that played the boy playing the banjo in the movie Deliverance. How cool is that? He was a real nice guy and we took him to lunch and went sightseeing with him. We got lots and lots of pictures. Tomorrow we are taking Mom to physical therapy for her arm. I hope that it helps her. She has been in so much pain. Hopefully I won't lose this blog as they keep talking about the big virus to hit computers Monday. Guess we will see.

30 June 2012
What a week! Took Chris for ct-scan on Monday. Got results back from doctor; no change from January-THANK YOU GOD! That means no shunt to be put in for now. Chris is still having hallucinations so the doctor upped his Risperdal to 1mg. Chris has been doing really well this week but did have a bad episode saying that mean lady in his room was staring at him. He said why do people stare like that? He said it was mean and upset him and then he let lose crying so hard. My poor baby. I held him and tried to soothe him and calm him down. He relaxed after awhile but he was so upset. He talks alot about his illness and says he asks God every day to please help him. He keeps saying he is going crazy. I tell him he is not crazy, his brain is just doing crazy things. My heart aches when he gets so scared and upset. I love him so! Took Mom to the doctor on thursday; she has a pinched nerve in her arm. Took her to the hospital outpatient for xrays and then went shopping for her. The heat here is too much! I can't believe I'm saying that because I LOVE summer but triple digits is too hot. On the upside, today (just a few hours away) Jim, Chris and I are going to Georgia and North Carolina for 5 days. Chris is very excited to go and has packed and repacked several times. The stuff he packs is pretty funny and interesting. I told him he could take whatever he wanted and he took that literally! :) I hope this will be a stress free trip for Chris. I know that when he is doing things and around Jim and I, he doesn't hallucinate as much or get upset. Some confusion but we plan on him having a great time. Lots of pool time, great food, and lots to see and do. Happy 4th of July to all!

26 Jun 2012
Our trip last saturday to Cub Lake to swim was so much fun. Chris did really good. We all splashed each other and Chris actually moved around in the water quite a bit. Chris and Jim had a big splash fight. It was really hard for Chris to get out of the water. His balance is bad and walking on sand was hard for him. I think it was just new to him so it seemed strange. All and all, a very good day. Yesterday, I took Chris to have his Ct-scan. They let me go in there with him; I wore a lead vest. He was so good. When they were done, he asked the girl if she could see waht was wrong with him. I told Chris that she just takes the pictures and the doctor will look at it and let us know. We went to Ruby Tuesdays afterwards because Chris loves their mini hamburgers. Chris asked me questions about the test again. He asked them in such a mature manor. He looked me right in the eye and said, "Is it serious?" I thought I was going to choke on my water. I have always said I will be as honest as I can be with Chris so I said yes, it is serious. I also reminded him that the doctors are working really hard to help him and that is why he is on all this medicine. I am trying to get us all ready for our trip this weekend. I talked to Mom earlier and she said her arm is hurting really bad and needs to go to the doctor. It frustrates me so much that instead of calling me this morning when she woke up with the pain, she tells me at 7pm and the doctor is not in on wednesdays. I try and explain to her over and over and over that she needs to tell me when there is a problem and she always says I didn't want to bother you, which is bull! So then she acted like a child and I am calling the doctors office tomorrow and see if they can get her in thursday morning. It is so so frustrating!!!!!!! I told her that if she doesn't start calling me when she's sick or hurting or there is a problem, I will get a nurse to be with her everyday.

22 Jun 2012
Chris went to the Neurologist today and he put Chris on an additional medication, Risperdal, for the hallucinations that he has been having. I hope and pray that this will help him. The doctor also set up another Ct-Scan for Chris on monday, the 25th. I hope he doesn't find anything real bad. The last test showed his ventricles were enlarged with fluid. If it is worse, the doctor will consider putting a shunt in. Chris doesn't know when he has a BM anymore so that is why the doctor wants to go ahead and do the ct-scan now instead of waiting until Oct. Chris seemed really out of it today. Very tired and just not quite with it. When we got home today after all the running around we did, he laid down and promptly went to sleep. He didn't wake up until about 9pm. Tomorrow Jim, Chris and I are going swimming at the state park close to us. Chris is excited about that. For Jims birthday July 3rd, we are going to Georgia for a few days and will celebrate the 4th there also. Chris is very excited about this. There is lots of stuff to see and do and things that Chris will really enjoy. :) Got to keep the boy happy and joyful which is not that hard to do as Chris is so easy going and easy to please. I love my Chris so much! I love my wonderful caring husband so much too for coming up with these great ideas of things to do with Chris.

18 Jun 2012
I'm at my wits end! My back has been out for several days now and it is constantly hurting. I can't bend over or lift anything. I'm on muscle relaxers and they don't really help. I can't be on anything real strong because I have to be on every second with Chris. Today, I had to make calls for Mom, get fed ex to pick up a package for Mom, call to get her lawn mowed in Missouri because the city sent her a letter saying if she didn't get it mowed she would be fined. Shit! There is someone in Missouri that could help if he would but no; I have to deal with everything and I live 8 hrs away. So, I got all of that done and tonight Chris had a BM problem and it was everywhere!!! I mean EVERYWHERE! It was terrible mostly because of my back problems, I can't bend over and bathe him as well as I normally do. I got it done and then I just sat down and cried! I'm overloaded and my Mom doesn't even take a moment to realise this. My older brother doesn't help with anything and I'm trying my best to do it all and it's not working. Mom gets mad if I don't do exactly what she wants when she wants it. Chris is a sweetheart but needs constant care, and I'm not putting enough attention to my marriage. Thank God for an understanding husband but still, I just need alittle help and support sometimes and the very ones who should help me (Mom and older brother) don't. Okay, enough venting for now. Goodnight!

15 Jun 2012
My days are getting farther apart posting on my blog. There is just less time to sit down and write. Chris is doing fair. There are some things that he can no longer do. He doesn't have much control of his bladder and bowels now. I know that is very personal and might offend some but it is a fact of life and something I am now having to deal with. He continues to see different people in the house and sometimes he sees someone attacking me. He also is hearing voices now. He told me last night that someone was calling him to go outside with them. Thank God he can't get outside or who knows, he might follow those voices. He also said he heard someone yelling at me and attacking me. He also talks all the time about his sister. I tell him that is me and he says no, the other one. There is and has always been just one sister; me. He has been saying for quite a while that he has two Moms. Sometimes he forgets my husbands name. He forgets other peoples names too. Next week we go see the Neurologist. I will be telling him the latest things that Chris does. I hate the thought of him being on more medicine but we will see what the doctor says. On a good note; still no headaches! The Topamax is working. Day before yesterday we went to Moms and as we're driving along, I notice Chris has his shirt on backwards and his shoes on the wrong feet. We laughed about it; I mean what else can you do? I love my brother!

5 Jun 2012
Haven't posted for awhile. Things aren't going too bad I guess. The last couple of days Chris has seen people in the house. He first saw a woman in the house moving things around and taking things and he said it scared him and he told her that she needs to get out of the house and she doesn't belong here. Then, he saw a small child running around the house and moving things around. Lastly, (and this is the one that he keeps seeing) is a white haired ghost that gets on the treadmill and sits on the big exercise ball. This vision makes him laugh and he told me that the ghost was so funny and he was clapping his hands cheering the ghost on. Very strange. Chris sees some of the weirdest things. It's amazing and alittle scary how his mind works. I'm also torn on how to react to this. I tell him that no one else is in the house because I want to reassure him that there is no stranger here and that he is safe. On the other hand, I don't want to upset him by correcting him and telling him its just his brain. I ended up telling him that there wasn't anyone else here and it was just his imagination. This wasn't the right answer because he frowned at me and said that he DID see them and he was not making it up. So the next time it happened, I just laughed it off and tried to change the subject. He brought the conversation right back to the people he saw. Infact, he talked about it all day. When Jim got home from work, he told Jim. When he talked to Mom on the phone, he told her. *SIGH* Sometimes, I just don't know what to do. I love Chris so much. Why does he have to go through this? I try to remain faithful but sometimes I can't help but question why?!! It's just so unfair. Chris is such a good person and I really have trouble understanding why he has to deal with this terrible disease. So far today has been good. Chris has watched I Love Lucy and Andy Griffith and is resting right now. Better go see what we are having for lunch. I love my brother!

28 May 2012
It has been a nice weekend. We didn't do much of anything; just relaxed and enjoyed being together. I got flags for Chris and put them in his bedroom. Chris is very patriotic and loves flags so he really liked that. Today, Jim, Chris and I went out to eat and then grocery shopping. It was a nice day. Chris is so excited when Jim is home and we can do stuff together. I am so blessed to have a husband that is so good to my brother and so caring. Having Chris live with us now has changed everything for us. We use to just go do whatever we wanted to do or I'd go ride in the truck with Jim and we can't do that now. We got really use to it being just me and Jim. As much as it has changed our everyday life, it is a joy to take care of my brother and I am fully committed to doing whatever I have to do to make Chris' life as easy on him as possible. Chris living with us? I wouldn't have it any other way!

24 May 2012
Yesterday was a good day. Chris and I went over to Moms and took a drive, stopped for lunch, and then went to Cane Creek Market. It's a mennonite store that sells in bulk and has such wonderful things. Chris and I brought Mom a large geranium and a mandavilla and planted those for her. It was a nice day and Chris did well and enjoyed his time with Mom. He doesn't want to stay at Moms for very long though. He always asks if we are going back home soon. I think it's because he needs that stability and consistancy. Our house is a comfort spot for him. It definitely is a happier place for him instead of Moms. Mom has been kind of trying to put a guilt trip on him and I hate that. She has been telling him that she's lonely and misses him and asks him if he wants to come home. The thing is that she can't take care of him and has even admitted that. I think she wants him to be with her because she is lonely but doesn't want to do all the work that it takes to care for him. Can't have it that way. I want for Chris a stable happy home where he feels safe and he knows that he can do whatever he wants. He can watch his TV and watch whatever he wants to, not what someone tells him to. He can wear whatever he wants, eat whatever and whenever he wants, and there is no negativity or talking about others. I love Chris so much. I will do anything and everything for him.

My brother Chris' Birthday Celebration! Love you Chris!!

20 May 2012
Chris' birthday party was so much fun! He had a great time and was so happy and surprised with everything. He ate good and was so funny. He really was his old self. He has been doing so good. He got alittle confused at Moms and didn't understand where he was for a moment. He started to cry and told me he was confused and it scared him but Jim stepped up and started teasing him and playing with him and soon Chris was laughing and teasing Jim. :) I guess it's all in how you react to things. Happy happy day for us and I love Chris so much and love to make him happy. He's precious! 

18 May 2012
Chris has had some pretty good days. Yesterday he rode in the truck with Jim and boy does he love that! He loves to do things with Jim. He calls it guy to guy stuff. It's really good for him to get out and do things with Jim. When they got home, Chris talked about it nonstop. This evening I am working on Chris' presents because tomorrow my sweet sweet brother turns 49!! I'm making him a chocolate cake as per his request and we are having pizza, chips, dip, popcorn, and cotton candy. All the things he loves and he said he wanted for his birthday. I thank God that my brother is able to tell me what he wants and is looking forward to "his day". It will be a great day and I cherish these times with Chris. He certainly has his moments of confusion and hallucinations but he is doing so well and I am so proud of how he handles everything. He keeps his room straightened and tries so hard. I will say that the other day he filled his pad that he wears and when I went into his bathroom there was potty everywhere and I do mean everywhere! I don't know how he did it. It was also in his bed, and on the floor in his bedroom. Not sure what went on there but we got it cleaned up, changed the sheets and got a shower so I told him not to worry about it. On the upside, he did know that it was wrong and a mess, but I didn't want him to be upset over it and obsess over it which he does do sometimes. He does know when he does something that he shouldn't but sometimes doesn't know why he did it. The strange characteristics of this disease. Overall, I think he's doing really good right now and we will take that! :)

14 May 2012
This past weekend was so great. We went to Memphis on friday and came back home on sunday. We stayed with Jims Mom and had so much fun. Saturday night Jim and I went to downtown Memphis to see our Grandson Tre' and his band play at the New Daisy on Beale St. It was so awesome!!!!! We had such an awesome time! Chris stayed with Jims Mom and he did so well. He loves Mary so much and she loves Chris. She is so good with him and she is a retired nurse. I'm sure he kept her entertained. We got Chris some Elvis glasses with sideburns on Beale St. and he loved them. He wore them everywhere on sunday. We took Jims Mom to church and I was afraid he would wear them in church lol. After church, we all went to Jims sisters house for a birthday celebration for Jims Mom. Great food, great people and as always it was perfect. Chris ate good the whole weekend, didn't have any problems to speak of and was so happy and cheerful. He really didn't like Jim and I going out saturday evening without him but we told him we would be back soon and we kind of slipped out while Mary was talking to him. Mary said he only asked once where we were so that was good. I also called and checked on them and she said he was doing real good. I have to say it was so nice to be able to get out with Jim and have some time to ourselves. I had never been to Beale St. and we walked up and down it looking in shops, eating great food, drinking yummy drinks, and ofcourse getting to see our grandson play with his band. It was so wonderful to see him up on stage where Bob Dylan, Todd Rundgren, Nirvana, and etc...had played. So So Proud!!! I think the medication that Chris is on is really helping. Everything is really great right now and I am enjoy every second of it for I know that we have no idea how long it will last but I will take it, embrace it, and appreciate every second! :)

10 May 2012
Alot has happened since last post. Sunday evening my throat was still hurting after choking so I told Jim I was going to go lie down. I just get in bed when I hear a huge crash. I jump up and see Jim running into Chris' room. I thought he had fallen. I get in there and Chris is standing over by his bathroom door and the bookcase on top of his dresser is lying partially on the bed and stuff is lying around everywhere. I think that Chris might have lost his balance when he left the bathroom and instead of grabbing the wall or dresser, he pushed againist the bookcase and down it went. How he didn't get hurt God only knows. The next morning Jim left early to go to work and after I saw him off I looked down the hall and saw Chris looking out his window watching Jim drive away. He then looked out down the hall and saw me, I waved at him and he smiled and waved back so I went back to bed and was just dosing off when I hear this blood curdling whail. I run into Chris' room and he's not in bed but has some stuff packed and other things lyhing on the bed. He's standing in his bathroom crying and moaning and I thought he was hurt. He told me everyone has left him and no one cares about him and he's all alone. I hugged him and led him back to his bed. He was so upset and confused. He had gotten himself so upset that he was shaking and crying hard. I sat with him talking to him for a long time. I could tell that he wasn't even focusing on me or who I was. He finally started coming around and then he hugged me and said he was so glad I was there. I laid by him comforting him for a long time talking to him. He was so upset. I tried to reassure him and calm him down. He told me that he prayed to God every day to help him and he was scared. I later cried and cried. My heart broke for my brother. He knows something is going on with his brain but doesn't undertand what it is. He gets so scared and it kills me that I can't take that fear away from him. I'm angry and sad that he has to go through this. What a terrible horrible damn disease this is. Today, while he was eating lunch, he got choked real bad. He had taken way too big a bite and got choked on it. Alzheimer patients have trouble with choking and swallowing. I think Chris just took too big a bite but I realise with all these incidents that I have to watch him every second. You just never know what is going to happen next. However, I was able to take a much much needed nap this afternoon after his doctors appt  which was wonderful. I can't stand sleeping during the day and usually get a bad headache  but no headache and I actually felt refreshed. :) Great news too that Mom has been dismissed from the wound center and we do not have to go to Jackson every wednesday now. It frees up my week now and I am so happy. I am happy for Mom that her leg has healed ofcourse but selfishly am happy that I don't have to drive 130 miles every wednesday. Wild terrible week but it will get better. This weekend Jim, Chris and I are going to Memphis to see Jims Mom and to see our grandson play in his band on Beale St. It's going to be a fun happy weekend.

7 May 2012
Well, it's been a few days since I've blogged. Not alot to tell and yet there is always alot that has gone on lol. Sunday, Jim, Chris and I went to our favorite mexican restaurant El Vallarta and had yummy yummy food. It was so good; especially since Jim and I have been dieting. We then went to Wal Mart and Chris did good. Jim had Chris sit on the seat of his walker and he pushed Chris around. It was hilarious and Chris laughed and laughed. On the way home, Jim and Chris sang songs and I was driving....I got so tickled that I choked REALLY bad on my water and it went into my lungs. I thought I was driving. My throat is still sore from that. We made it home and then we watched movies. All in all a great day and Chris only had a moment of head pain that went away quickly. Our miniature schnauzer, Bentley, is really doing poorly. He has lost alot of weight and I've brought him into the house. He is old and has arthritis so bad in his hind legs and hips. I'm babying him and hoe it helps. I know that we won't have him around much longer. It will absolutely break my heart when he passes. He has been with me for a long time and we are crazy about him. The picture of Chris on this blog is of him holding Bentley. It hits home how all of us are just here for a short time on this earth, be it human or animal. That makes me think about Mom being old and having health issues and ofcourse Chris and his alzheimers. Sad; have got to remain strong though.

3 May 2012
Not much to post today which is a good thing. Chris is doing very well. No head pains and not alot of confusion. He ate good today and was in a positive happy mood. I'm so glad that he is doing well. I think the medicine is starting to work and it is making a difference. He's still sad that Jim isn't home but I think keeping Chris occupied with activities and making sure he stays happy helps greatly. I, on the other hand, have had a headache all day. I think it's a mixture of allergies and stress. Time for bed for me and as always, hoping for a wonderful day tomorrow full of great things.

3 May 2012
Very long day today. Got up early, got myself and Chris ready (Jim got himself ready lol) and off we went to get Mom and take her to Jackson for her weekly wound center visit. Then it was off to Memphis to get Jim's truck after 2 weeks of having it overhauled. Jim went on in his truck so he's back to work and I got to drive me, Mom, and Chris back home through rush hour traffic in Memphis. Ugh!!! Long long day. Chris and I are back home now and he is in bed asleep and that's where I should be but I'm still winding down. Jim is on the road and after him being home for 2 weeks I miss him so bad. Chris has had some really good days recently but tonight on the way home, he was confused about Jim not coming home and I kept telling him that Jim wasn't coming home tonight and Chris just couldn't grasp that. Then, he started crying and saying how he missed Jim so much. I tried to comfort him but it was hard because I miss Jim too. I let Chris talk to Jim on the phone and I think that really helped. Chris stilled talked about Jim coming home and he thought Jim was going to surprise us but I finally just so of let it die down without saying much. Sometimes it's better to not say too much or correct him too much about something. I just let it slide by or change the subject. I don't want Chris to worry about things and when I see that he is worrying or obsessing about something, I try to change the subject. I do think his medication he is on now is working. The Aricept seems to be helping the confusion and hallucinations and the Topamax seems to be helping with his head pains. Hope this continues. I also give him vitamin E with his Aricept because that is suppose to help the Aricept work better. It's the "Do whatever I can" treatment to help my precious precious brother.

30 Apr 2012
The last couple of days have been good. Jim is still home so we have enjoyed that. Chris has been doing good. Some head pains but not too bad and short lived. He hasn't had any confusion to speak of either. Happy Happy!!!! Yesterday, we went and got Mom and went to a greek restaurant for some authentic greek food which was delicious! We all ate like pigs and had a great day. They gave us so much food that we all had plenty of leftovers to take home. Yummy lamb and cucumber sauce. :) Mom was in pretty good spirits yesterday too which was nice. It didn't start out that way when I called her but she was happy when I told her to be ready to go and we'd be there in a 1/2 hr. I think she likes being at home by herself but she does get lonely so I guess I need to give her alittle bit more attention. It's difficult because I am doing about all I can do but I will try. Things are going good overall and I am grateful for that. I also know that things can change in an instant so I appreciate the good times when I get them. I think we are going to get out again today and take Chris somewhere. He does better if we take him out and he gets more mental stimulation than just sitting at home watching tv which is what he wants to do all the time. I have noticed something strange; he doesn't like the shows and movies that he use to just love. I dvr Dukes Of Hazzard for him and he doesn't care about watching them. For all you people that know Chris, you KNOW he has always loved the Dukes Of Hazzard.  He still loves Home Alone and watches it all the time but he doesn't care about alot of the old movies he loved so much like Shrek, Bedtime Stories, etc. It is weird how his likes and dislikes have changed. I suppose this has to do with alzheimers but who knows.

27 Apr 2012
A nice relaxing day. Did laundry, washed dishes, watched movies with Jim and Chris. Now Jim went on to bed, I tucked Chris into bed after he watched Andy Griffith and I am all alone watching tv, blogging and drinking a good glass of wine. This is my time; when I can reflect on the day and have my quiet time to myself. Chris did really well today; no head pains to speak of and he has been happy and cheerful all day. Tomorrow night we are going to the drive-in to see The Lorax. Chris will like that. He already has decided what snacks he wants to take with him. I think the 40mg Topamax might be starting to help with his head pains. :) Right now at this moment, everything is good, happy, peaceful and am looking forward to a great day tomorrow. Goodnight all!

25 Apr 2012
Another wednesday about over with, thank you Lord. Wednesdays are so stressful. Chris did pretty good today but when we got to the restaurant, he had trouble walking and hurt to the point of crying. Thankfully, it got better and he was able to walk in and eat. His head hurt some while we were eating but he was able to finish his food. I hope the Topamax works for him. He only had one head pain today so that's improvement. Mom was walking good until Chris started hurting and then she started walking slow and acting like she was in pain. Jim was with us and he even noticed how she acted; she just couldn't stand Chris getting attention more than her. I must continue to remember that she's old and this is so typical of how she has always been. I've got to make the appointment with the lawyer to get guardianship of Chris because he will never be with her again and she doesn't even want to go to his doctor appointments with us. Ofcourse, it has now reached the point where I need to do everything for her regarding her doctor appointments, medication, and care so it's just as well. I take care of all of Chris' needs and have for a long time but she will not let go of guardianship of him. It will change though because it has to. As I have said before, weird family dynamics for us and it always has been. Oh well, for now I have limited guardianship and I will do whatever I have to do for my brother no matter whether she likes it or not. It's not about my Mom; it's about Chris and what's best for him. He comes before my Mom and that's just how it is. If she doesn't like that, then too bad. You see why I say wednesdays are stressful? They definitely put me in a bad frame of mind. Andy Griffith is coming on and Chris is eating ice cream. That's happiness right there. Goodnight!

23 Apr 2012
Sunday was an okay day. The food turned out good and we all ate alot. Mom said she was out of her insulin. I check all her medications and I don't know what she did with it but she didn't even have 10 units to take for the next morning and she takes 20 units every morning. So; off we all went to Wal Mart, 20 miles away to get her insulin. I made her get 2 vials. We got her groceries as well. Poor Chris didn't fair well and Jim stayed right by him while I took Mom around the store. She didn't even seem concerned about Chris having head pains and not feeling good. Anyway, got that done, got Mom and all her groceries home, and then Jim, Chris and I went home. Whew! Was glad for that day to be over. Today, Chris had an appt. with the neurologist and he has now put Chris on Topamax for seizures and headaches. I pray to God that this will help and ease Chris' severe head pains. I called Mom to tell her what the doctor said and she talked about all different kind of things and didn't ask about Chris. I'm not surprised but it still hurts. It is what it is. Chris is tucked into bed, and happy and safe with us. Jim got Chris a bowl of ice cream right before bed and boy did Chris love that. Chris is content with us and happy. I love Chris so much.

21 Apr 2012
Fairly good day. It was so cold today. A cold gray dreary day and we all just watched movies and laid around. Chris ate good and only had one "brain freeze" today and it only lasted for a minute or two. He did get alittle confused tonight and thought we had left him again. I guess because Jim and I were in the other room and had paused the tv. He can see the tv from his room so maybe it confused him to just see the directv box bouncing all over the screen. We also talked to Mom tonight and she wasn't in a good mood so that could have had something to do with Chris' confusion. Tomorrow we are going to Moms for dinner. Jim and I are fixing beans & ham, cornbread, sweet potatoes, and fruit salad. Should be a nice time. "Should" is the operative word here. I hope Mom is in a better mood tomorrow and feeling good because I think it makes a big difference with Chris. He is so sensitive and worries about everyone and I don't want him to worry. I want everything to be calm and good for Chris. He doesn't need drama or problems dumped up on him.

20 Apr 2012
Not a great day. Chris woke up with his head pains and they have been happening on and off all day. Talked to the neurologist and Chris has an appointment Mon at 2:30. I hope something can be done about it. Chris was really in pain today. Poor kid. We ran our errands and Chris, Jim and I ate at Subway. Chris couldn't even eat his food because the pain started up again. We didn't go to the bluegrass festival tonight but will try and go tomorrow if Chris feels up to it. Chris was feeling alittle better tonight and watched Home Alone. He has seen it a million times and loves it. Jim and I could hear him in his room laughing and laughing and talking right along with the movie. He knows everything about it and knows it word for word. It was so great to hear him laughing so much. I just tucked him in bed and he told me that he loved how I took care of him and his other sister spoils him rotten too. I told him there was only one sister, me. He kind of frowned and then said oh okay. I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not correcting him on that. I guess I've just got to follow my gut and for now I think I should try to be as honest as possible and keep him in reality. I'm sure it will reach a stage where I just agree with him and smile. I am praying that tomorrow will be a much better day and that Chris won't be in so much pain.

19 Apr 2012
I tucked Chris in bed; our usual routine. Andy Griffith goes off, I give him his medicine, tuck him in, kiss him and tell him "Don't ever forget how much you're loved". He looks at a picture of me and him, taken about 20 yrs ago, and tells me how much he loves that picture of him and his sister and then wants me to tell him who I am. I asked him "Who am I?" Chris said "Can you help me?" I finally had to tell him and he hugged me and said "I'm so glad to see you!" Great day ends in sadness. My comment to everyone would be to not take anything for granted in life. One second is fine, the next is not. Going to bed sad.

19 Apr 2012
Not too bad a day. Straightened up the house and Chris got to joke around with Jim all day. Chris didn't have any problems today and ate good. Tomorrow we are going to town to pay bills and shop and then tomorrow night we are going to the Holladay Bluegrass Festival. We are going to it Saturday also. Chris will love it. Lots of great music and food and fun. I hope he does real well tomorrow and saturday so he can enjoy this. He'll definitely get good use out of his walker. I guess its a good day when I don't have much to say. :)

18 Apr 2012
Another one of those "What a day!". Got up early and took Mom to Jackson to wound center. While Chris and I were sitting waiting on Mom, Jim calls and says his truck is done. We have known for alittle while now that it was getting time to overhaul the engine and we were hoping to be able to wait a few more weeks before taking it into Memphis but typical; it wouldn't wait so Jim met us in Jackson and we followed him to Memphis. It smoked all the way there but we made it. At least Mom got to see all the old mansions in Memphis. She loved them. So now, Jim is home for a week; no work, no pay. Oh well, that's the way it goes. Chris is so excited that Jim is going to be home with us every day. We are thinking about taking Chris fishing since we live right by the Tennessee River and have only fished once in 7 yrs. I guess we will get to enjoy some time spent doing those things that we never take time to do. Chris felt alot better today and other than being alittle sleepy this afternoon, he ate good and felt good. It has been a LONG day and we are all ready to go to bed.  

17 Apr 2012
Cool weather here today. Has only been in the 50s all day. Weird after having hot days in the 80s. Has been kind of a lazy day for Chris and I. Chris has watched tv all day and is watching Andy Griffith right now. We met Jim to eat supper since he had to go on to his delivery tonight and wasn't going to be coming home. Chris did really well today until awhile ago when he came out and said someone was yelling at him and it was making him cry. I told him I wasn't yelling and no one else was here. There is no one around us. We live out in the woods on 35 acres. I told him I didn't hear anyone yelling. He was upset. I wonder what goes on in his head. Did he really hear someone yelling in his head? I mean, he thinks that he heard that but did he or was it just imagination or what? Later, I heard alot of noise coming from his room; sounded like he was moving things around. I went into his room and looked around and couldn't see anything out of place. He did take his dog tag off however which he has been told he can not take off. It has all his information on it and states that he has alzheimers. That's the first time, as far as I know, that he has taken it off since we got it for him. I explained to him that he can't take it off ever. He just looked at me and said he didn't take it off. There was no use to say to him that he did take it off. I put it back on him and said don't ever take it off. It's always something every day. Even on good days, something weird still goes on. So is weird becoming the norm? We have to get up real early to take Mom to Jackson for her appointment. I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about tomorrow. Wednesdays are always an eventful day and not in a good way. 

16 Apr 2012
Today was a much better day. I still have some pain but it's much better than the last two days. I was actually able to get some sleep last night. Chris has had a great day. He has been very focused on everything and has been funny and clever and happy happy happy! Thank you God for such a great day. When I talked to Mom, she had her little weirdness that she always has but I was able to take it in stride and not stress over it. Woohoo! I just love it when Chris is happy and content. He brightens my days so much. I am truly blessed to have Chris as my brother. He is such a blessing in our lives. Every day he brings a whole new perspective to everything. Chris is watching Andy Griffith right now with our little cat, Orville. Chris said today that Orville sticks to him like glue. He told me that Orville keeps him warm at night. Orville does follow Chris around everywhere and does stay right with him. So sweet. Good night everyone! Sweet dreams!  

15 Apr 2012
I'm so glad this day is at an end. It has been stressful and I have felt like crap all day. I don't think I have a hernia but I think I have pulled a muscle and it is making my back hurt where I hurt it last July whitewater rafting. My God, I don't need this at all. How am I going to get everything done that I need to? At least I don't have to take Mom to the doctor until Wed so maybe it will be better then. Chris has had a happy day today. He ate good and was cheerful, laughing, and enjoyed watching movies all day. I think he was so happy because Jim was home all day today. He really misses Jim when he is gone. They like to pick on each other and tease each other. Chris went to bed smiling and happy. Sweet dreams Chris! Until tomorrow.....

15 Apr 2012
Well, I didn't get to blog last night because I went to bed early. That never happens but I did something really stupid. I was in Chris' room helping him with his tv and I was bent over kind of weird and I coughed and I felt a terrible pain down in my abdomen, lower left side. It hurt for a long time and I was so afraid I had a hernia. I don't know even now, it might be a hernia. It hurt most of the night and is hurting some now. I don't feel any bulge or protrusion so I'm hoping maybe its just a pulled muscle though thats not good either. I don't have time to get hurt or be sick. Its hard enough just dealing with my kidney and bladder disease. Oh well, enough of that. Chris is having his head pains today. I'm calling the neurologist again in the morning and get an appt for Chris. Its not right that he keeps having those head pains. Its almost crippling for him because he has to sit down or lie down until it passes. If the doctor says that he has to have the shunt put in, ugh! If it helps him then thats what we will do but I just hate the thought of Chris having to go through that. My sweet boy. He just doesn't deserve any of this and today is one of those days that I'm having difficulty dealing with this wicked disease. On the upside though, we are having a very good sunday dinner. Stuffed cheese tortilleni with italian sausage, spaghetti, homemade garlic herb bread, and fruit salad. :) I better get started on the bread. It takes forever to make but is worth it when you take it out and it smells so good and tastes so good. lus, it makes the house smell good and homey.

13 Apr 2012
Well, its certainly been a friday the 13th kind of day. Chris and I went to the post office to express mail Moms tax papers because she is the worst procrastinator ever lol. We then went to Wal Mart to get medicine and some neccessities. My Mom has a panic button "Lifeline" and they called me saying that she had pushed the button that she wears around her neck and they called her house and there was no answer. We finally got that taken care of; she was fine. Her nurse was there and they couldn't get the machine to stop squawking so they keppt pushing the button thinking it would stop. Hmmm; when the company called me they said they were calling 911 and have someone go to her home and I told them her nurse was there so it must be something going on with the machine. Anyway.......it was all drama with her and I told her that they got it to stop and not to worry about it but it was all she could talk about. It's not really that funny yet it is. As for Chris, he did pretty good today. Had a few head pains and was more tired than usual today but by late afternoon was feeling good. We met my husband for supper; he had to head on to KY tonight with work. Chris sure does love my husband. Everytime the phone rings, Chris always asks me if it was Jim. He also asks me a million times a day when Jim is going to be home. When I tell him that Jim is going to be out in the truck overnight, Chris does not like that at all. It's really a wonderful thing to see how Chris has bonded with Jim. Chris needed a male figure in his life so badly. We have been working in Chris' activity books and he is doing really good with them. He had forgotten so much that he had learned in school and some of it is coming back to him now. He also is reading his Bible every day and that is so good for him too. Tonight, when I tucked him in bed, he told me to look beside him and there was our little cat, Orville, sound asleep. Chris had tucked Orville in under the covers. It was so cute. Orville sticks to Chris like glue. Our big cat, Homer, then came into the room and got up on the bed beside Chris and Orville and settled in. Chris started laughing really hard and said "Oh no, not two cats!" I told Chris good luck with that lol! I just love to hear Chris laugh and to see him so happy and content. Makes everything worthwhile and brings me such joy. These are the moments :)

12 Apr 2012
Today was stressful and towards the evening I felt very overwhelmed but talked to my husband and feel better now. I was cleaning the family room; dusting, sweeping, and moving furniture around alittle, and I saw that Chris was looking out his room watching me. I smiled and waved at him and he didn't smile. He looked mad or upset. I asked him if he was alright and he asked me why did I turn all the electricity off. His tv was on and he was watching Scooby Doo so I went in and turned his light on and said see, the power is on hon. He was not convinced even though I had his lights on, the tv was on, and I turned on his ceiling fan. He also asked me why I was moving everything out of the house. I realised that his confusion had to do with me doing something as simple as moving the furniture around. It hit me that something so simple, so common could confuse him so much and the realization of this disease overwhelmed me so much it hurt. You go through days with not much happening and then bam! I felt helpless, stressed, sad, and worn out. Imagine what Chris must feel. Tonight, Chris was in a very good mood and even watched American Idol with Jim and I. He was happy, cheerful, and ate good. He even ate dessert. :) I'm now heading to bed for some much needed rest and it starts all over again in the morning. I'm thankful for another day no matter what it might bring. Appreciate the good moments, handle the bad, and always keep your chin up!

11 Apr 2012
Where to begin? Well, every wednesday I take my Mom to the wound center at the hospital to have her dressings changed due to diabetic ulcers. Ofcourse, I take Chris with us and two people on walkers can be difficult and almost comical. Today, Mom acted like a child and didn't even seem to be concerned regarding anything to do with Chris. Some days its just almost to weird and bizarre to even deal with. I think she gets jealous when I'm dealing with Chris and taking care of him. I know this blog is basically about Chris and his alzheimers but this is also part of our journey. I'm taking care of two children; my 87 yr old mother and my brother. Some days I am so beat and exhausted that I can't even think straight. I get home and I just sit and vegetate. Chris did really good today, thank God. He did have his more and more common "brain freeze" but the doctor said that at this point it could just be cluster headaches due to the chemical changes occurring with the alzheimers. My sweet sweet brother. He has such a positive attitude with everything in life. He brings me such joy. He also is so wise in so many ways. He understands that Mom has her weird ways and he has so much insight on how to handle everything. I wish I were that patient and wise. I think the Serenity Prayer could be my anthem. I have got to accept the fact that I can't change so many things and I have got to learn to deal with that. Okay, enough. I guess I've vented enough for now. Tomorrow is a brand new day with a brand new set of problems and a brand new set of joyful moments.