25 Feb 2013
So I was reading back in this blog and I started out with it all about Chris and his alzheimers and his care and medications and info I had found and now it's about me me me and what I'm dealing with. I didn't really intend this blog to be about that but I have to look at it as a natural transition since being a caregiver for someone involves everyone  and does have to do with Chris and this damn disease. It's hard and I am doing what I can and Chris is doing what he can. Most days are still good. He has his foggy days and days when he physically hurts. He is losing more and more skills. The other day I had to spoon feed him his entire meal. He didn't have the strength to lift a spoon or fork. However, there are days he does just fine. The curse of this disease. One day he doesn't know who anyone is, the next day he knows everyone and is joking and being his old self. Some days he can feed himself and walk fairly well, the next day he can't. Every morning is an adventure (not in a good way). There is one thing that is always consistent; Chris is ALWAYS sweet and loving and caring. He worries about me all the time. He always says "I love you". He gives me kisses and hugs. I am dealing with Chris and Mom's health problems and have not been watching myself enough. I have let myself go to take care of them and I know that's not good because if I don't take care of myself, who will take care of them if I can't? I have not paid enough attention to my husband as well and our marriage. I am so wrapped up in this mother f$^#?ing disease and trying to deal with it and everything connected to it that I'm not living right and taking care of other things just as important. I had an argument with my husband and we never argue. We talked ALOT and he feels that his feelings don't matter to me. He feels that he isn't as important to me as everything else. He feels that I don't have time for him. He's right. I have been neglecting him and our relationship dealing with everything else that is going on with Mom and Chris. It's not right and not fair to him. He is so good and so loving and has been so quiet about everything. My husband is a very good man and I am so blessed to have him. He loves Chris so much and does so much for him. He treats my Mom so good and he is so good and loving to me. I feel that I have become a different person. I'm angry and frustrated and hurting  and sad and weepy and tired and overwhelmed and did I mention angry; so damn angry. I didn't realise until my husband and I were really talking things out. I'm so angry at this disease. I'm angry that I have so much dumped on me and so much responsibility. I'm angry that I don't have the same carefree life that I did have with my husband. I'm angry that I don't have that freedom any longer for me and my husband to do what we want or just go take a trip whenever we want. I'm extremely angry that my older brother doesn't do anything to help. That's why I moved Mom here. He lived 10 minutes away from her and would call me and tell me that I needed to come up there and take care of her and Chris because he didn't have time. (I lived 8 hrs away). I'm angry that he doesn't care at all, doesn't give a shit about his own brother and mother. He didn't call or even send a birthday card to Chris in May. He hasn't come down here once since Mom moved here (which will be 2 yrs in May) to see her or Chris. He knows their medical problems and he knows that Chris might not be around much longer or Mom either and he's missing his chances to see them one more time. He says he can't afford to come. But he has money to buy a new kayak and do plenty of other things. Besides, all he would have to pay for is gas. He can stay at Moms house or stay with us in our guest house. I'm angry that he hasn't called or answered my emails to see how Mom is since she moved to the nursing home. He has her phone number at the nursing home and he has her cell phone number as well. This disease has isolated me. I feel so alone. I am a 24/7 caregiver and bill payer for Jim and I, Chris and Mom, an appointment maker, a housecleaner for 2 houses, a laundry lady for 4 people, etc.... I never have a day off and I'm not doing a very good job on housecleaning, keeping up with laundry (Chris goes through 3 sets of clothes a day). I feel like I'm really whining here and I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about not being better at everything. I feel guilty that I can't go see Mom everyday. I feel guilty when I get frustrated with Chris. I feel guilty that I'm not more attentive to my husband. So much anger, so much sadness, so much guilt. I want to be the best for everyone and I'm not. Not by a long shot.  I am worried about Mom because she still can not walk. I don't know if she will ever be able to walk again. She has therapy everyday at the nursing home so I pray that it helps. I have to state that there are happy sweet moments. Chris is always precious Chris. My Mom told me the other day that she appreciated me and what I'm doing (and that's a first!) and after talking to my husband about everything we are fine and are even stronger now as a couple. We both understand better now how each is feeling and we love each other very much. I'm just trying to make myself better so I can be better for the one's I love.