16 Nov 2012
My posts are becoming farther and farther inbetween. Life is taking up more and more time. Some days are good some days are bad. I was thinking today how much Chris has lost in almost a year since being diagnosed. I thought of it today because when we got home, he couldn't remember how to turn on the light in his room. Things have changed so much. The things he use to do and has now lost is staggering. He chokes on everything now, even his beloved coffee. He can't lift big drinks to his mouth now so we use small glasses with lids, like sippy cups. He has lost control of his bladder and bowels. He doesn't even know when he goes now. He can no longer dress himself. He has lost interest in his favorite shows (except Andy Griffith which he still loves). He forgets who I am, who Mom is, who Jim is. He can't remember how to get out of the bed in the morning. I have to cover him with a blanket because he can't get the blanket up on him. He can't write anymore, he can no longer read and he no longer sings which he loved more than anything. His muscles have become so weak that he has trouble holding a spoon or fork. He has to use a walker to get around now and I'm afraid it won't be long before he will be in a wheelchair. I miss the Chris I grew up with. Don't get me wrong; I love Chris dearly and I am very fornuate to have him and we still have alot of fun together. But......I miss the old Chris that sang at the top of his lungs with me, who joked with everyone so much and teased everyone. I miss Chris chasing me in WalMart when we shop and hiding in the next aisle to get me. I miss his interactions with me and everyone and I miss our conversations. I miss his beautiful smile; he doesn't smile much anymore. I miss the sound of his laugh. He use to laugh so easily. I have to really work it now and tickle him to hear a laugh. Even then, it's not the same. I miss so much yet when I look at him I KNOW he is there. He is in there. He's still my sweet brother. The damn hateful disease is robbing us of Chris. Sometimes it makes me so mad! Then; it makes me so sad! Have to go tuck him in bed and get some rest for another day.